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Need advice on my 'love' life. Very long story. Help appreciated. Questions are at the bottom in case you don't want to read.
1 year ago · 1 · Unrequited Love, +9 · Explicit
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I am a young guy (17) who has been half in love with this girl, who for anonymity sake I will call Penny, for about 3 years now. I say 'half in love' because I've had other relationships with other girls on and off and have genuinely liked them - but have not felt the same magnetism I do with Penny.
Me and Penny met online at 14, through an app everyone under 18 in my area was using (like a friendship tinder for kids our age). It was set to a local default so it only showed people who were within my town, so I didn't really have to question Penny about who she was as she attended the same school as my cousin. She was a year older than me and we talked quite a lot, and over time we gave each other our other socials and revealed our names and faces. At the time, I didn't think much of it nor did I believe there was any romantic force of attraction between us, so I was romantically talking to another girl who we can call Amy.
I felt very torn on whether I should continue talking to Penny as a potential love interest, as she was very interesting to me. She told me things about herself that I respected a lot, she told me she liked to play guitar and write songs - I thought that was really charming. However, I decided to pursue Amy as Amy showed real interest in a relationship, whereas I couldn't really decipher Penny and so thought we could remain good friends.
After school one day, Penny told me that she was upset because a boy she thought liked her had ignored her all day at school. I said I would love to do something for her to make her a little happier so she gave me the landmark near her house and I put some chocolates and doritos on a bench for her to go and get. I didn't really want to ask for her address. Although, I found out from the landmark that she lived a minute away from me, just on opposite sides of a building in between us.
I think that was when she started taking a little interest in me. And I won't lie, I was interested in her. I think she tried to express once that she liked me but due to my impending dynamic with Amy and the fact I was going to ask Amy to be my girlfriend, I wanted to start to know Penny more before I made any concrete decisions. So I started texting Penny the way someone who likes you texts you, and telling her to listen to songs I liked (ew). She expressed that she wanted to come round and watch something or just sit and eat together, she even stated that she wanted to kiss me, but I didn't want to as I knew she had to have lived in a nice house (from the houses surrounding the landmark and her social media) and I didn't, so I made up an excuse and that must've looked like I wasn't interested at all. I send her a specific song I thought she'd like and then I get the text reading something along the lines of: 'Look I'm sorry for leading you on but I don't think I'm interested in you like that. I've just found out things about myself and I want to just focus on me. I hope we can be good friends though.' Reading that, I hurt a little. As we did have some soul-searching conversations and I really enjoyed talking to her, but I respected her decision to remain friends and I told her I was happy to be a part of her own process. I think that was the first time I lied to Penny. As I wasn't happy with her decision, and will admit I was upset. But what could I do? If she didn't like me then she didn't like me. I thought that would be the end of it.
So I started dating Amy. She was crazy. And I don't mean that in the derogatory sense in the way that guys call their girlfriends crazy for having normal feelings. I mean it in the sense that Amy would text my exes through social media and threaten them, or she would take oxycontin and get drunk without replying to me for days and then call me one hundred times, angry that I'd notified her mother where she was. Or she'd send self-harm videos to my friends. I was horrified by how that relationship turned out, and was always debating if breaking up with her was the best thing to do as she obviously needed help. I do regret some things with Amy. She was a deeply hurt character and I wish I could've provided more support for her but I just couldn't be in a relationship with somebody who was hurting me by hurting themselves. So I ended things with Amy. And in doing so, realised that maybe having a relationship with someone you don't quite know isn't the best option. So I stayed indifferent to everyone.
During the breakup of me and Amy, Penny and I were talking regularly and she was giving me her thoughts. It was very comforting actually. That's when Penny showed me how emotionally mature she was. Her ideals were very similar to mine and we shared intimate hobbies of ours which we found out were pretty similar. (I like literature and she likes reading endless biographies on famous singers). I think that's when my interest became more material. As I was excited to speak to her, although we had never met (but live a minute apart). Unfortunately though, our conversation was diminishing and we would sometimes take weeks to get back to each other.
On my fifteenth and she made a song and posted it on her social media. Penny isn't the bass and drum type, she's the indie rock, long dresses, orange stockings, 'I'm beautiful and I can wear whatever I want' type - so the song she posted was intimate, quiet and cadenced. The song was titled 'Song15'. And in it were lyrics about a coming of age movie, about someone being her coming of age movie. I don't know if I'm reading into it too much, but Song15 posted on my 15th birthday about a boy. It just seemed too convenient for the way I was feeling. But I called myself delusional because it was a stretch, considering how we didn't talk as much anymore.
Time went on and we only spoke a couple of times. She turned 16 in August, one of the youngest in her year. And she wore a beautiful green satin dress that I was enchanted by - via her instagram post. I still hadn't met her. And I still didn't want to. Out of fear I would just tell her all the things I wanted to say. I realised I was checking up on her social media everyday, watching her life through a lens but being unbelievably sad when I realised I had no part in it. She was just a text message away; it wasn't like we were strangers. But she had already made her interest clear so I didn't want to pester her. All I could tell her was happy birthday.
I got on with my life and I became a sort of longing mess. Me and Penny had catch-ups every 1-3 months and I would go through my day-to-day routine, and a part of that was to think about her all of the time. I would walk along our neighbourhood hoping that one day she would just notice me. I remember a particular day where I had been feeling extremely low after school, and as soon as I got off the bus I started tearing up. I walked down her road and sobbed so badly. I just remember asking myself if I should knock and on the slight chance she answered, I would tell her about my pain and tell her that I loved her.
I wrote poetry collections for her and I listened to her song over and over again. I just missed talking to her, or missed her presence in some way. For all of 2020, I could only miss her. It was during this time that I felt so lonely without her, watching her live her beautiful life and have all of the fun in the world that I wanted to start filling that void and helping myself out of whatever feeling that was. So I started talking to many girls at once. I told them all about each other, as well as why I wasn't very interested in relationships. The only thing I didn't tell them was that I was 60% sure I was in love with a girl that I'd already missed my chance with.
One of the girls, I could tell she really liked me. I could tell that she only agreed to letting me speak and be interested in other girls was because she only wanted to be close to me. I felt bad, possibly worse than I'd ever felt before. It felt like I was taking advantage of her nice demeanour to replace Penny in some way. So I told her I didn't want to be involved anymore. I told all of the girls, except one, the same thing. The one girl that I didn't tell, I asked to be my girlfriend. I asked her because I thought that out of all of the girls, she was the one I was most compatible with. We were both very nonchalant and so we got along well. She made me laugh, she made me happy and for a while I did forget about Penny. We were together for 7 months and I lost my virginity to her. We broke up because we had the internal issue of her not speaking her mind. I think she was more obsessed with me than ready to have an equal relationship, which is fine. It is what it is. It was the kind of decent relationship that people need to have at 15 to understand what relationships you want in the future.
It was after we broke up that Penny started drifting into my mind again. Everyday, all day. All night. I constantly referred back to her messages to do critical analyses of what she meant, what she would have meant and if I took it the right way. I was utterly, completely infatuated with Penny. In almost an unhealthy way. Like a sort of addiction. I knew it was unhealthy, and the fact that I couldn't leave the idea of this girl alone made me feel horrible inside. It made me feel like a creep. The only thing that made me feel better was that Penny knew me and I wasn't just some stalker who thought she was hot.
Shortly after the break-up, I asked Penny to meet with me for the first time. She was so charming, she told me she had just woken up. We live around the sea, so we sat at the benches by the beach and walked all around for about 2 hours. I remember my heart palpitating while waiting for her to arrive, admitting I was nervous via text and her replying that I could just walk behind her we don't even have to speak. I said that was creepy. We met face to face and she was so unbelievably real, so unobstructedly her. She wore a worn, brown corduroy jacket with badges and bootcut jeans (and doc martens). I told her that day 'I always saw your songs, I listened to them and loved them. I can't believe you play guitar' as if I didn't even know what a guitar was. It was a little awkward but we sat down by the beach and she told me to ask her any question I wanted. So, me being an idiot and trying to be very cool, I asked her for her thoughts on God and organised religion (I regret that), we had a small conversation and I walked her home. She hugged me at the bottom of her road and I don't think - for as long as I live - that I could ever forget it. After that, I ran around, up and down her road. Trying to keep the adrenaline alive from our hug. I ran out of road. I then retraced our steps exactly and until it was dark.
I had enough courage to ask her to meet up again the next day and she said yes. I was thrilled to every extent. I gave her a few dates and she told me she was busy for all of them, one of those days she said that she had promised to go swimming at sunset with someone. I got upset, as that sounds quite intimate. I left her on read. A couple days after, she asks me to go somewhere and me, thinking I should put some distance between us because of how much damage she could do to me, I told her I was busy. That was the last time we texted for a while. Now I look back, I should've just asked her what day she was free.
I didn't know what that feeling was. I mean, I had never met the girl before that day and she was quite iffy (unreadable) whenever we talked. But I knew it wasn't normal to feel this way. Maybe it was because I'd never actually been rejected before, I thought it could be my ego that was hurt and I was just being superficial about things. But if it was my ego, I was sure I would've gotten over it.
So I did some research and came up with this new vocabulary that described exactly what I was feeling. It's called 'limerence'. And it made me feel like shit that I felt every word these examples and studies said. It was coined by Dorothy Tennov in the 70s and its acute description is a 'mental state of profound romantic attraction, deep obsession' as well as being described as 'intense emotional arousal'. And it hurt me so much that I had this huge conflict of interest in my own mind.
In one part of my mind, I was deeply in love with Penny and just wanted a relationship or a good dynamic between us to be close. I don't even know if I desired a relationship, maybe just to talk a lot. In the other part of my mind, I was reducing her personhood down to a concept of ideals. It was like I had projected my hopes and dreams onto this one person who was just very unordinary in an ordinary way. What hurt me the most is that when these scientists or sociologists or those people were talking about the person who was the infatuator, they called them 'LO' meaning 'limerent object'. They said that feelings can intensify after rejection by the LO. And I just thought to myself, what if I'm a terrible guy? What if I'm a terrible guy forever?
So the day before my 16th birthday, I sent her a letter. A letter I had drafted and redrafted for years. I couldn't deliver it to her door because I didn't remember which house she was, I texted it to her. I confessed my feelings for her. In the contents of the letter, I described the way she made me feel and how long this had been going on for. I told her that I think I loved her but it hurts me so much all of the time. So the conclusion of the letter was along the lines of: 'I love you or I don't. I desire you in most ways. Which is why I think it's best telling you this now, so that tomorrow, when I'm sixteen and for every year after that, I don't have to face you or think about you without wanting to.' She asked me how I felt about her now and I replied that I didn't know (I regret that in some ways also). Penny told me that she wanted to kiss me, the day we'd met. That confused me so fucking much. Do you want me, do you not? Because I am saturated by your presence for fucks sake.
I just let bygones be bygones until I went to an open-evening at her school. It's one of the best in the country. She had told me previously she was going to a different school, but since she got a place at the better one, I'm not surprised she quickly left. I was at the open-evening with one of my older friends who knew a bit about the school. While talking to one of the staff, I saw Penny behind her. Giving a tour. I don't have great eyesight but I could tell it was her from across the lobby by the way she wore her hair. She sort of stumbled? She walked a little further than she had to and waved at me, who instinctively waved back. had to leave immediately, as my heart started to palpitate and I was having trouble catching my breath. My friend took me to the bus stop and she comforted me, I almost cried I won't lie. I actually got accepted into Penny's school but decided not to go because of her. She had sent me a text after the event asking me to do so. But I knew that I would spend the rest of my time at school pining after her.
It was my birthday in November 2022. It was the first birthday since I'd met Penny that she didn't congratulate me or tell me anything. Penny got a boyfriend around that time, so I'm assuming that may be it. They seem very in love. He's exactly the same as her. He's a boy in a band, he dresses like all the British pop classics and I can tell that she's one of the happiest versions of herself she's ever been. Out of respect for her relationship and in a vain attempt to protect her happiness, I haven't reached out to Polly. We've only had one conversation since January and that was about book recommendations. I have no need to tell her I love her anymore, no need to rationalise what I'm thinking. Honestly, I see them, I see their shared happiness, I see them playing on each other's guitars, and I don't know what to feel. If I should feel bitter, I do. If I should feel happy, I am. I'm all of these things that don't make sense and I'm trying so hard to understand why.
Sometimes I just want to tell her to make sure that when she goes to university, its as far away from me as possible. Because there is something that is compelled within me to do anything she says, follow anywhere she goes. And I'm frightened that I'll never have a real relationship again in my life because of it.
Questions: (You don't have to answer all)
1) How do I get rid of this feeling of grief and mourning over a person that doesn't know I still feel this way?
2) How do I stop objectifying Penny, so that I can rationalise all of her faults as well?
3) How do I prevent this 'limerence' from affecting potential romantic interests?
4) Should I completely erase all existence of Penny from my life? (I have deleted our messages already but haven't removed her from social media or deleted her number, I also have a playlist literally called 'All the songs that belong to you' that remind me of her, should that go as well?)
5) When do I know when I've gotten over it completely?
6) Do you think me objectifying Penny will also lead to me objectifying the other women in my life? If so, how to stop?
7) Do you think this limerence will occur more than once in my life, for other people too?
Thank you, I know this was a long read and so apologise for that, but I am struggling with this and have been for a long time and so would like to inquire this.
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Unfortunately I'm pretty clueless myself in these topics and in a similar situation. I did just want to say though that I read the whole post and you seem like a really kind, intelligent and self-aware person. I hope you find some answers and things work out. (You also have an excellent writing style. Damn)
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