What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). More resources.
I don’t rly know how to explain self-harm. I think for me it doesn’t have to do with punishing myself, after all, why would I be punished? I feel like when I cut myself I’m doing the obvious. I feel like I just can’t handle emotional pain. When I cut. When I see my own skin bleed I can see the pain I know why who and how it got done. Seeing blood streaming down my arm seemed less painful than tears. Self-harming makes me feel like I’m at the top of the world in so many ways. When I pick up the yellow colored scissors I know it’s not the mature or ‘right’ way to deal with whatever I’m dealing with. Then I take a breath and start slicing my own self. The first one makes my heart race in an incredible way. The second one is a little harder but it does nothing more than a red scratch. Usually, that’s when the last one comes. It’s filled with rage and so many emotions that I couldn’t name them. I don’t always cry but when I do it’s from pure rage. That last one is the hardest. When the scissors hit my skin, it turns white. And I panic. I know it’s over and now I have to treat my wounds like any other one. I run to the bathroom so nobody sees me and I lock the door. I sit on the floor. Oh, the bathroom floor is the safest place. I look at the blood running down my arm as I feel so proud and empowered but at the same time scared coz I don’t know if I went a little too far and I fucked up. Then when it’s done I go to the sink and wash the blood off my arm, dry it out and look at the damage as if I’m looking at a finished painting. Then some pure alcohol so it doesn’t get infected and after that some Vaseline even though I’m not so sure it does anything. For the next couple of weeks, I can see my work. It’s right there. When it fades away I know that my solution is temporary. This realization comes and goes as if in a dream. I know it's wrong and I’ve actively stopped it for a year but the need to do it hasn’t gone away. It’s there waiting for me to fulfill it. Like that part of a rly awful song stuck in your head. So, I don’t rly know how to explain self-harm. Who’s to decide if it's good or bad of a solution. I mean yea I’m hurting myself but I’m healing. Looking at the one and only scar left on my body makes me feel somehow better. I don’t want it to ever go away. I need to be able to see it forever. When I use stupid methods like the rubber band one I need to be able to see the real stuff. When I'm thinking about ending it when I'm angry when I'm lost I need to be able to see the point I once was. I hate that my ego won't let me do it again. My friends are rly proud of me but what do they know? Maybe I’m being ungrateful but they will never understand the struggle of pulling the rubber band as far away from your forearm as you can and letting it go with the hope that it'll make you feel something more understandable than nothing. No one can rly define nothing, no one can rly think of the concept of infinite and nothing. So imagine feeling endless things and nothing at the same time. Nothingness is scary and unreasonable and for fucks sake I’m tired. I don’t know man do I even want to help myself? am just being a teenager? What does that even mean? I wanna cry or even have a panic attack and let everything out but instead I'm in a depressive episode, sleeping 18 hours per day and not being able to do anything. I'm so so so tired. I miss feeling sad or anxious or anything else for that matter coz then at least I knew what I was dealing with.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
The Dump Yard I Write Stories In
The day is bright I smile and wave My heart filled with warmth my eyes filled with joy I greet those around me with wide open arms I help those in need and s...
-
I wish, I wish...
I wish, I wish, upon a star My next breath not near, only far I wish, I wish, that I was free Self harming, throwaway the key I wish, I wish, to not be trap...
You should go to a doctor and tell her/him that you are depressed and sleeping 18 hours a day. Also tell about you cutting yourself.
Reply