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To my daddy dearest,
Tomorrow is your birthday. Happy birthday. I've sent you a card and some chocolates just like I always do. I hope you like them. That card that said "Love daughter"? Its a lie. I don't love you. Quite the opposite actually. I hate you. I hate you with every living fibre of my being. Why do we still do this? Sending cards and meaningless gifts to each other that hold no value to either one of us? I'll tell you why. Because you're a coward. You didn't have the balls to properly close our relationship so you left it in this open ended, meaningless loop in which we both do our duty to acknowledge each others existence a few times a year. I have wanted to stop many times, but mother keeps insisting, says that she'll fake it from me if I don't - and that's just not fair on her.
I wish things could have gone differently, but you gave me no choice. I was a child. You were my father. You were supposed to take responsibility. I was 13 when you began your rampage on me. Just because your wife had left and there was no one else to control you picked on me. Those comments you made? About being able to "Make it shake", about "being cold or pleased to see someone" about "eating that ice lolly like it's something else you enjoy"? You said that to a child. But the crazy thing is, when I compained to you about my bras being uncomfortable because they were 3 sizes too small and leaving harsh lines in my back and cutting into my boobs, you turned a blind eye. Told me to figure it out myself.
You have left me with so many issues it's unbelievable. I was forced into an unsavoury world done by your words at such a young age. I was drinking and smoking and masturbating daily at 12. And the worst part? You. Encouraged. It. You were concerned mother would find out about the smoking, so you switched me to vaping. You even got me my own pen and cooked up a batch of my own liquid so i could be just like you. I was so confused about myself. When I told you about my first girlfriend you became so angry and shut me out. When I snuck off to that pride with my friends you ignored me for the whole week because you were jealous that I didn't spend the day with you. When I put a pride flag in my room and wore rainbow colours you ripped them off me, telling me "what would the neighbours think?" When I then conformed to your wishes and got a boyfriend, it got no better. You went from calling me a dyke and a shirt lifter to just calling me a whore and a slut. I was 14. You tried to blame mother for it, tried telling me that she was manipulating me to become a sex worker. She was manipulating me to get at him. Did you never stop and think she was in the hospital because she was sick?
You've ruined my views and expectations of relationships. You made me scared of men. Any time I'm in a room with a teacher, friend or collegue, and its just me and him. My heart races. I start to sweat. The only thoughts that pass my mind are: Am i quicker than him? Could i get away? Where are my exit points? When is it going to begin again? Why should I bother with relationships if they are just going to end like yours did? A seemingly happy marriage of 35 years, 35 years of lies. Ended with you kicking mother out to the streets when she was sick. I truly am beginning to believe that I am to afraid to ever feel love. I can imagine it, simulate it, think about it as much as I like, but it will never happen. Not truly. Not when all I am is that worthless whore who has nothing about her but her pretty tits and ass. Sound familiar? No one will ever love me for my personality because I will forver be the "weird kid", the kid with silly interests and a pig face and blotchy skin that I cant stop picking and crooked teeth and funny big glasses. All sound fucking familiar? Those are your words. Your thoughts you planted in my mind when I was a child. You made it so clear that I was just a burden to you. You even told me that I was a mistake. I wasn't wanted by either parent. I was created because you couldn't keep it in your pants. The best part? You told me that I created another 10 years of pain for you. If I hadn't been around, the families lives would have been so much less painful because you would have left. You would have left your wife and son to go and restart your life, but I stopped that. I brought another 10 years of anguish. Do you remember when I asked you why you didn't leave? Do you remember your answer? Because I fucking do. You told me that you couldn't leave earlier because he couldn't bear to see his sons' family ripped apart, because it. Wasn't. Fair. All I can say is how dare you. How dare you. How dare you compare me to my brother and talk about him in a way that shows you care and love for him. Whilst I'm sat there, still a child, my life in pieces and you tell me it wouldn't be fair on him?
You want to know the real kicker? You still don't think you did anything wrong. You still believe it was all my fault. You want nothing to do with me, because in this story, I'm the villian. I'm the bad guy for being born and subjecting you to another 10 years of hell. Can't say I'm sorry. The only thing I can say is that maybe you should have tried harder to convince mother to give me up for adoption. She was going through the postnatal depression and you could have easily tipped her over the edge. Maybe if you had tried harder she may have gone even further and killed me herself, saving you the pain of having another child in the house. I'm not going to apologise. I'm happy you got what you wanted. Youre on your own now. Your wife hates you. I hate you. Your son wants very little to do with you, so go on, enjoy what little life you have left, sitting hunched over your tech playing gummy drop from dawn til dusk. Have fun eating nothing but canned, processed food for breakfast lunch and tea. Have fun rotting in your office and too big a bed you call home.
Happy Fucking Birthday you massive prick. I hope you rot in hell, maybe then you will finally see that what you did wasn't the best idea that came into your pea-sized brain.
Yours fucking unfaithfully,
Your pansexual, gender-fluid, rebellious daughter xoxo
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