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I got into a relationship yesterday with my best friend of over 2 years and I want to die in my sleep. I’m overwhelmed and I’m tired. My life isn’t going anywhere, I can’t love anyone and I can’t love myself because it’s been 10 or more years since my mother passed away and I cry about it every time I’m sad. I hate mauled because when I masturbate I think about lesbian women, my best friend (now boyfriend but without a label) pressurized me into sending a picture of myself in a bra which I regret. I’m not sad, I’m bored. I don’t want to live anymore. I think things will be better, may even see my mother and tell her I’m sorry. My father, my sisters, everyone...if only they knew how I fantasize about my death everyday. I almost died once from suffocating because of sleep paralysis. I was so scared the first time it happened, the second time? Not so much. I felt peace, peace I’ve never felt before in my entire life. I’m not a child, I’ll be 20 in April. I don’t know why I’m this way, my mother’s loss, my identity, my religion, my father?...I don’t know but what I know is that I wish I can be Alice. Dream of a world that’s real but not real (Neverland is what I imagine) and be at peace like the little prince.
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