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I’ve felt ever since Covid, like so many of us the time alone was peaceful in some ways almost too peaceful. I’ve also convinced myself that I am peri-menopausal, not in some sort of hypochondriac sort of way. I’m 43 almost 44 and my hormones are out of fucking wack to put it mildly. My emotions are on a roller coaster of terror that is somehow filled with funhouse mirrors. The past three years has also completely changed what my friendships look like. Being around people energetically drains and exhausts me, I end up loving being alone. At the same time I am the loneliest I’ve bee been in my life. Not one person around me knows my inner thoughts or how much I’ve grown to hate myself. The intrusive thoughts are so mean, I blame the hormones because it’s never been this way before. I’ve convinced myself that my mother who died at 7 wanted to leave me. My biological father never even wanted to know me or has ever found me. Two people created me, plopped me on this earth and left me. The two people who were emotionally connected to me were gone and then for the remainder of my life this far no other remaining family member kept in touch, tried to find me. Etc. this for some stupid reason has me feeling like the most unlovable person. I do give my Dad credit (my Dad that raised me) he could have given me to someone, I’m sure one having one less mouth to feed and one less child who was going to grow up fucked up without their mother would have been nice. So in some ways he did want me in his family and he did love me. It’s just these thoughts tell me it was out of obligation. Like everyone else because they feel sorry for me… Most likely because he could see that none of the other ones wanted me.
I left home in H.S and of course got pregnant shortly after graduation. My boyfriends father found out I was pregnant and had me move in to their house, he basically told the two of us we’d be together, raise this baby. In some way I was relieved, I was terrified to be pregnant in an apartment with two friends, no job etc. I had zero stability in my life. I loved my boyfriend, looking back I just wanted him to love me. Life happened fast after we had our baby.
We got busy building a life, had another baby a few years later made some financial gains and losses, we had some rough and some good times. I don’t know truly how connected we were in our relationship I think we were definitely in the moment in those years.
Now our children are grown, and I’m in this phase of life and we’ve never been closer but also never been more miserable together, I hate the way he speaks to me. He’s short, he’s rude and uses this tone. He knitpicks everything I do. I swear he hates everything I do and every way I do something. When he gets angry he calls me names, he yells, the thing is, I can’t do the same. I used to be so scared to say something rude back or raise my voice because he’d leave me, but I’m tired. I swear even if just once he’d tell me one reason he loves me or a thing he likes about me I’d like off that bone like a starved animal.
He’s never going to change.
I’m an idiot because he isn’t.
I’ve stayed through everything, every damn thing. He does so much for me, he cooks he cleans, but I had to stay through so much to get here, and now I get treated like an incompetent asshole. I cannot get over the feeling that he’s just going through the motions with me. If he really sat with his feelings, I don’t think he’s ever really liked me.
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I am not sure whether you are single or married to this man. Ask him to go with you to either relationship or marriage counselling so that you can both learn to respect and appreciate each other. In other words, learn how to communicate with each other in a better way.
ReplyYou are probably peri-menopausal. It starts earlier than you think.
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