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It is my first time writing. It is my first time trying to open up and share my feelings. It is my first time that i will let my heart open up… bit if only what i feel can be translated into words.
I am sorry if i will make mistakes but i just need to talk.
Everyone who’s around me knows that i am a strong woman. They know how much i suffered but nothing fazed me. I kept going alone in the cold with a wall around my heart to prevent the fall…. But if only … but i don’t know i feel broken now.
Is it because the loss of a baby that i didnt even feel inside of me? Does that idea alone make me feel so empty? … i don’t know… but let me go back few years ago.
I never felt that i need to be loved because all my life it was given from the family around me. I was the center, everyone needs me , they need my help, my company because i wanted to just create joy even if secretly inside i felt empty but it was satisfying to see thr smiles and to hear my phone ringing notifying me that they need me. I was always their for everyone but tried to never let them be their for me…. I don’t know why … i just hated to feel weak in front of anyone…. Until now i think?
Until i started to feel suffocated maybe?
And that’s why i decided to get married and leave the country, leave everything i built?
I don’t know!
Anyways like i said i got married and left. They kept in touch of course but the ‘mean’ me always pushed them away with excuses (i am always busy to answer a call) i pushed everyone away all the family ! Everyone! Do i regret it?
I never regretted it because i wanted to move on i was protecting my heart from pain amd thought that my husband is the only one here next to me not far away out of reach like everyone else. So i don’t need them, i won’t i always convinced myself! Do i regret it?
Sometimes sitting alone i open my phone secretly wishing to read a message from them but thrs nothing at all. Did i start to feel regret?
My heart is weak yes he is really weak and o discovered that when i lost my first baby! Three months pregnant is nothing because you don’t feel anything yet inside of you but when i lost it .. i felt it! I felt that emptiness in me growing more… i felt how weak my heart is … i felt how much i am missing …. I am missing something that i don’t know what to call…
At that moment, that night, i couldnt stop my tears…. Silent tears because i didnt want my husband to hear me and see my weakness
But i admit that i regret it because i felt lonely. I needed love … not the man and woman love … but the kind that you find between family and friends …. The kind of love that is fullfilling and irreplaceable in my opinion
My phone didn’t ring to even say sorry for my loss.
I always used to say that nothing meant to me in this life. Nothing at all: clothes , jewellery, trips, whatever are all nothing to me its all the same. But now i regret that because every moment i spent with my family was all what i cared about.
I feel empty, my heart is weak, my soul is disappearing and my body is just a piece of meat moving to fullfill every day tasks.
I miss YOU!
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You should try to fix things with them, call them! No one should have to live without a family. You should never push people away unless they are hurting you on purpose. I hope things get better for you, I'm so sorry you lost your baby🤍
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