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I can’t remember what I did for my sixteenth birthday. I know I did something, but no matter how hard I try to remember it won’t come to me. My biggest fear as each day goes on is forgetting any memory from the past that involved you. It’s all I have.
ugh mom I’m a mess. I’ve been thinking about you so much lately. Some nights I just can’t get rid of this guilt that overcomes me. Guilt that I didn’t ask more questions about you, spend more time with you, that I ever yelled at you. I miss you so deeply. They say time heals but I’m still crying myself to sleep because I can’t fucking remember what I did on my sixteenth birthday, because I want you to know that I’m so sorry I was ever mean to you, because I still can’t believe that you’re gone. Will I always feel like this? Will there always be this gaping hole inside me? Will I always cry when I think about the past, when I think about my future with you not there? Is my brain blacking out some of my memories because they fill my heart with so much pain? What did we do for my sweet sixteen mom? Mom do you know how much I love you? Do you know how much you mean to me? Do you know how bad I need you? Do you forgive me? Do you know how bad I’m hurting? Do you know how scared I am of forgetting anything about you? Do you know how many times a day something reminds me of you? Do you know how difficult it is to just hear the word mom? I’m broken and idk how to fix me. How does anyone heal from such a deep loss?
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