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I don't want to love her anymore but my heart just won't stop even after months of breakup. I'm tired of myself and tired of her stupid reaction. Fuck her but with me. Fuck Fuck Fuck I just want this life to end, I'm tired to be able to love this intensely and never understood or always misinterpreted and always left alone in the end. The problem is not only me, it's her as much but here I can only act on me and I've been through enough in this life. Enough of this suffering, this agonising pain for nothing but loneliness and I should be content with it ? No thanks I wanted more now I just give up.
I can love uncondionnaly, I was able to but in the end it killed a part of me and now I try to love with conditions but it doesn't work either. I'm fed up of this need to love and be love and I don't want to give in to hatred, I don't want the beast in me take a hold and let me touch my insanity again. I'd rather die. If this society, this life doesn't want me and makes me feel estranged in my own life, then I don't want it anymore.
So I set a plan, I'm 36 and when I'll be 50 with nothing I'll just go into the wild and kill myself the way I want peacefully with sleeping pills and a jerikan, meanwhile I'll do what I can to be benevolent to people and repress the urge to love and hope. I don't need to be betrayed by these feelings again.
Better let them die than live this intense soultearing pain again and again and again... Never again.
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