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Momma,
You left too early. I missed you during my marriage. The birth of my second child. All of the kids milestones. My divorce. My lonely Thanksgivings and Christmases. My dating life when I need to tell someone how I’m feeling. Nobody to celebrate on Mother’s Day.
I want to share things that happen daily and take you on trips. Tell you stories of the funny, sad, and scary things my kids do.
One more year, my oldest kid will be the age I was when you left. I have a fear of death that will end up leaving my kids feeling the way I have the last 17 years.
The hardest part was the trauma and not being able to tell you bye. The night before you was taken we talked about our plans the next day. Everything changed so quickly.
I spend the last 17 years staying so busy to not have to deal. Now that my girls are getting older and not needing me as much, I have too much time to think. I always think about how life would be with you in it.
I get angry when others talk about how their parents annoy them. I wish I had parents to annoy me. I have this void that I’m unable to fill. I’m happy, thankful, and grateful for the life that I do have. I’m just missing something and I think that something is you.
The worst part is there is a 0% chance I will ever see you again. The dreams I have of you coming home are impossible. I always wonder what your last thoughts and words were. If the last thing you thought of were your kids. If only I could show you how well all of your kids and grandchildren turned out.
I’ve even hoped for a man that would have a mom like you so I could have something in a mother in law.
The hardest part is telling people you died and then having to explain how. Their immediate regret for asking makes me feel shame to have this as a story to tell every new person in my life.
I’m sorry I couldn’t have been there to save you or even deescalate the situation days before.
You are an amazing mother. I think of you every day
Love,
Your daughter
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