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it hurts so much. it hurts to not be experiencing any form of love. it hurts to be an outsider no matter what you do or how you act towards others. it hurts to feel like you're alone in this damn world. just now i realized that i'm in the wrong and there's nobody to be blamed for it. i've probably been a mistake from the start so it seems that my parents don't love me. my parents are divorced since i've been 2 years old. when i was little my dad wouldn't pay attention to me because he was busy playing games and my mom would just obsess over what i do wrong and who of them i love more. i was never able to communicate with other kids normally so i just isolated myself for a long time. at the age of 13, maybe because of puberty or just because i'd never had a stable friendship nor relationship in my life, i started confronting my mom and things got a lot worse for me. i started experiencing symptoms of depression, later on of anxiety and extreme paranoia. my mom would always just tell me i'm young and feeling like this wouldn't help me make any friends or learn how to interact with people in general so i brushed it off. throughout the years all i could distract myself with was my one and only motivation to pursue a specific career. it was honestly the only thing that could keep me alive but paranoia made it extremely hard as i was always scared whoever's "watching me" would make fun of me for not being good it or for making too many mistakes. i'm 16 as of now and the past one year's been the hardest for me. i've been looking desperately for friends, someone who'd listen to me and i keep seeking attention from my parents which i'd never receive. nothing's going well and i came here after i came to realization that it's meant to be this way. i don't know if you've heard the phrase "born to die" but that's all i've been from the start. my parents can't love me..then who will? is it really because i'm too young or am i just a bad person who doesn't deserve to experience any kind of love. i've tried "flying away" a few times already but all of them failed. and at this point i don't even want to die because i don't have any energy left to try and get away from here. i would never belong here.
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ReplyIt's unfortunate that you were dealt bad hand from dealership. You were born to parents that were self-absorbed and not concerned with giving you the love and attention you needed to in your formative years. As a result it's colored how you view and approach every interaction. Quite honestly that will do a number to any child's psyche. Sad thing is this lack of parenting seems to be the norm these days. And parents will double down about being dismissive about it. It truly is aggravating.
I know it sucks to not have things go your way. You aren't asking for much; you simply want friends and people to show you love. You matter as a person and are still human.
Although your confidence is shot from the failures I ask that you don't give up. These moments you are going through are temporary and more than anything I think you need a good solid mentor to guide you through life. Having someone to support and build you up will give you a new perspective on things. Soon enough you'll start having small wins, you will be able to rebuild your confidence, and you'll find a renewed purpose in life. So seek out that mentor and keep on trying. You deserve friends, you deserve love, and you are worth it!
Replythank you so much for commenting on my post! i needed to hear that and am grateful that someone understands how i feel. i'm trying my best to see the positive side of life and learn self-care. may you stay healthy and happy as well.
Replyi'm the same as you. my parents are there, but they don't really care about me. i dont know about you but i've just learned to rationalize it and be fiercely independent without needing a drop of attention. i engross myself in different hobbies all day and i cant wait to get away from here. build your own life; it can be anything you want it to be regardless of if anyone's actually there for you or not.
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