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there is something fundamentally wrong with me. i've never been able to emotionally connect with another being. it just isn't part of my programming. this yearning for a connection has caused me a lot of trouble. at some point, i had made myself believe that if i keep being "useful" to people around me, i'd eventually stumble across this golden connection. a warm safe space. a place to be vulnerable. while it did bring people close to me, i don't really think it worked out. i felt exploited and emotionally empty. yet i still continue to be "useful" to people around me because that's the image i built for myself. "it feels horrible here but it is what i am" i say to myself. but there is no warmth here, its just cold. its obvious these people won't be here if i stopped being "useful" to them. it's not me that's important to them, it's then utility of me being around that's important. a mere tool to make their life easy. but it's so unfair, because to escape this image i've built, i'd have to endure the piercing pain of loneliness. i'd be trapped in an emotional wasteland, where aching loneliness would consume me inside out.
everything seems black and white. i've been slowly working towards accepting this as my new normalcy. but a shoulder to cry on every now and then would be nice.
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I have felt like this before. Most of my childhood and a large part of my adulthood were like this. There are two things that I figured out about feeling like that. 1. While there might be some that will leave if you stop being "useful" to them, most of them won't. Those that go won't be worth being around in the first place. Those that stay will want to get to know the rest of you and you both will be better for it. 2. There is already someone who wants to connect with you. And that person is yourself. And I know that might sound silly or self-helpish or like a bunch of smoke up your posterior. But feeling connected to yourself and figuring out who and what you are is a huge thing. And it makes a huge difference especially when working through the feeling that people are only around you because you are "useful". Your worth is something that you decide not others get to put on you. You can choose to accept what they say is your worth. that is true. And it can be hard to acknowledge your own self-worth and feel it. But it is always a good thing. And it always helps how you see the world.
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