I hate my parents sometimes...

Hi, I'm a 16 y/o female student who's about to finish her Freshman year of Highschool.

I am sure that as you saw the title, you might be thinking "Oh, well aren't all teenagers like that?" and I agree with you. I'm not saying that I'm different or anything like that, it's just a feeling that I've had for some time.

A few years back, probably when I was in 8th grade, my parents had split up after a huge arguement. Ever since that day,where my mom left, my emotional and mental health have deteriorated to the point that I felt depressed and lost focus on school (although I couldn't afford to see a therapist at the time, I didn't want to self-diagnoze because it's wrong). I've also developped a mentality of which I consider all the people who have left me to be dead (I didn't care if they were actually dead or not, as long as they are no longer here with me), it has helped me to forget the bad stuff that happened. I'm feeling a little more ok now since i've always tried to heal little by little until recently, after what seemed to be like 2 years, my mom came back to visit my little brothers and I. I was extremely nervous because I haven't seen her face in a long time I almost forgot how she looked like; I've also deleted my connection with her relatives. What I was most worried about was my dad who was the only one i had left to trust (his seperation from my mom made his heart problems worst). After a few minutes of small talk, they started arguing again, that made bad memories come back to me to the point that I couldn't finish my lunch and stormed off, muttering to myself: "This is exactly why I didn't want to see you again..." I hated my parents because they fought over the same thing, not being able to let go of the past and always bringing it up every time they see each other. Why can't they just make peace? It was very painful to witness that scene, especially as the eldest child. I almost commited suicide 3 times.

I'm scared that that experience will have an effect on my futur relationships when I'll grow up to be an adult. Already, because of my tense relationship with my mom, I was fully dedicated to not have any children anytime soon, I definitely wouldn't want my marriage to be like my mother's or for any child to witness it. Also my mom lost her mom and now I've lost mine, it feels like a cycle of generational trauma that my mental or emotional state can't handle. It's kind of annoying having to explain that to people (especially family members) who will respond with: "You'll change our mind eventually...". I'm really sick of that, I'm sick that my parents made me feel this type of way. I'm planning to move out of my home country to Canada once I graduate and I've made a promise to myself that once I leave, I'll never come back until years later; I'll make sure to have a fresh new start of life once I'll live there one day. But for now, I'll have to stay here and to try my best to keep on trucking and hope that I won't die yet.