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i hate it. i hate it so much. ever since i was 10 i've had fixations and straight up OBSESSIONS with people (and occasionally shows and hobbies or whatever) and it sucks so hard. although i am a bit privileged because i'm not compelled to the point that i don't go too far, outwardly. but deep down thoughts of you are running in my head 24/7 and you're all i can talk about with any real enthusiasm and i'm pretty sure EVERYBODY sees through me and can sense how one-dimensional i am. it feels horrible.
love is fine, infatuation is great, but not this. i can't not think about you. it hurts to try. and no matter how practical i wish i were i cannot be practical. i cannot be logical. i lose all common sense and everything that is and isn't you is just so foggy.
this isn't the first time, which is probably why it hurts so much. i want to be cool calm and collected, i've WANTED that. i KNOW that the people i fixate on aren't my end-all-be-all. this isn't just for crushes either. the years i haven't spent focusing on that aspect of my relationships i've spent ruminating and "planning revenge" on people i've barely spoken to since. i've been angry and terrified of things my parents said MONTHS after. i don't feel like a normal person, which is cliché, but god i wish i did.
my art, my music, my emotional state seemingly my EVERYTHING relies on you. if i have nothing to think about it trails towards, or rather, violently crashes into you. i feel like nothing. i feel like i was designed to enhance the lives of others. i feel like an extension of others. i am not me. the me i know is other people. i feel like the me people don't interpret as some overly-attached teenager is a default personality i've put in place. a thin, cardboard wall between who i want to be (but fail to be anyways) and what i am.
what else is there to say? my problem is pretty blatant (and stupid). i just wish i didn't have it. it's so against who i am yet it IS who i am. i just want to focus on my schooling and my hobbies. i just want to be okay :(
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