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We didn't have much growing up and my mum always tried her best with what we did have. I have memories with my mum that I will cherish but memories I wish I could forget. Mum made me feel like she cared she would lift me up if I doubted my self style my hair like a hairdresser and make me feel beautiful sew me things that we couldn't afford at the shops and put her own twist on them and so much more. She had natural talents like helping with my school projects (craft), cooking, and making life fun. I hoped that one day I would be able to be the same. I didn't have much confidence as a child and struggled to believe in myself when it came to do just about anything but especially my learning abilities. I feel like the trauma I was exposed to affected my confidence and abilities of believing in myself .My way of getting through life was being the funny friend, the silly friend, the caring friend. I kept a lot inside of myself but would vocal my home life with my close friends, I think trying to feel normal and not so alone. I only had one other friend that I can remember that had some similarities in her home life she moved around a lot we had one sleepover she opened up to me and then a few days later she moved again. It was like the first time I hadn't felt alone in my situation. I cant even begin to imagine how much harder that would have been on her, I at least had some stability with family, friends and their support. I yearned my childhood of wanting a father in my life that made me feel love. I just remember having such hate and just being around him the feeling of being no one and nothing. My father figures in my life were my Uncle and Pop. Whenever I could be around them I would. My Nan and Pops house was somewhere I always wanted be. I remember having birthday parties there sleepovers day visits after school hang outs and pop ins whenever I could. It was my safe place. I would have lived there if I could have. I felt love beyond compare, I felt heard, I felt like they truly wanted to do all that they could in helping me understand things. I feel like my entire childhood they knew something was wrong but just couldn't speak on it because it was their daughters partner and hurting her would be hurting their relationship and putting my relationship with them at risk, for a long time I never understood why no one spoke up for me but now being an adult it makes sense. I'm truly grateful to have them in my life and don't think I will ever be able to express that without being an utter mess. We had my Nans sister and family up once for a bbq. I remember being on the swing and my older cousin said to me as I was sitting on the swing swinging backwards and forwards and my cousin said something on the lines of is everything ok I can see how differently u are treated to them and I just froze I cant even remember talking I couldn't believe someone had just asked me straight out like that, was it really that noticeable. I felt sad for me I felt like again someone could see but it would never have been brought to my mums attention or my step dad had been questioned about it. I felt like he was indestructible in control and exactly where he wanted me.
This continued throughout my teenage years he was mentally abusing, physically abusing and emotionally abusing me very day he was extremely jealous of my mums and mine relationship. I fell pregnant at 16 I remember sitting at the bench eating honey toast and he said something to me I said something back he didn't like and he slapped me that hard across my face I moved from the chair. I got up and ran/walked to my best friends house bare foot with wet hair and a hoodie pregnant and no idea what to do again feeling so alone. I felt like there were so many times throughout my life my mum could have spoke up for me but didn't was she afraid of him to, had he been physical with her to. I had the thought once of writing a letter from a so called mistress telling my mum that me step father had been unfaithful because that's how desperate I was to break them up and not have in any longer in my life. Willing to hurt my own mum to have him leave our life absolutely crushes me with sadness how could I be so selfish and hurtful. I always felt like if he could put his hands on me could he sexually abuse me. Its such a distressing awful thought but I did. He would slap me on the ass and think its funny I think but I never found it funny. I found it stomach churning and weird. I never felt like I could say something until one day I did asking why do you do that its weird trying to make him feel how my whole life he had made me feel he didn't respond but it stopped. I felt like he was always watching me like there were cameras set up I felt like at times I was going crazy but that's how he made me feel. I was never home as I got older I just hated being there it didn't feel like home. My mum would also say this that I treated it like a hotel I was never around but it was how I coped. I would use fake I.d to go out, house parties, stay at friends, anything but be at home. It wasn't until I moved out we started to tolerate each other I made the effort for my mum as I think he did. It was never normal but better. A few years later had passed and I had found my life partner he was everything and more I had ever wanted in a man and father. I knew having children to him would be nothing my kids would have to worry about like I did. I knew he would love them, care for them and stand by them throughout their entire life. I wanted to ask my pop to walk me down the isle and when I told my nan she expressed how honoured he would be but how upsetting it would be for my step father and mum. I asked my step father and regretted everyday. He walked me down the isle and played the great amazing step father I knew he would wrote a speech that meant nothing to me were just words and cried tears that would taken a village to work up. It was all for show.
For something that felt like it would never end and I would forever be that little girl I am now in control of my life and I'm so proud of where I stand to this day. I'm the happiest I have ever been and have found my inner confidence. This narcissistic still exits in my life but I keep him at a distance for myself and my children my family will never feel how I felt I will never let him and that's a promise.
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