Bad Body Image

Here's a weird one for you - I'm past middle age and I have a terrible body image. Yes, it is true: when I look at myself in the mirror all I see is a terribly overweight and out of shape dad-bod, and even when people tell me I have lost weight I can't see it. So I latch on to all sorts of fad approaches, and ultimately just starve myself so I can feel like I'm accomplishing something.

Now I'm not saying that a whole bunch of this lies with my personal life choices. I like junk food and I don't like exercise. That's a potent combo there. But that doesn't exist in a vacuum. As a boy, I often grew out of my clothes and yet, somehow, I stayed short. My mother had to shop in departments called "husky" or "chunky" for the "bigger child". I was told I had a "big frame" or a "a naturally athletic build." During fittings, I could tell that the tailor was getting out the bigger chalk to mark what needed to be done. I felt that he recommended an extra pair of pants just for my butt. All I know is that the language used to describe me, way back before I thought of hiding my thoughts and feelings behind a fork and a white box with blue letters already told me I was destined for fatness.

And now I wrestle with it every day. I have society's image of health and body mass whatever. I have all sorts of charts and a doctor who reminds me (even when I come in for a hangnail) that I could stand to use a few pounds. I'm expected to be some sort of well adjusted adult person who has come to terms with his paunch-plus and who accepts the style that the good Lord made him in. I don't. I can't. I find it simpler to deny myself, hate myself, ignore myself, and destroy myself.

But the biggest bit of torture is when I convince myself that I'm alone. That other older guys seem to have it all together. They don't review what they have eaten and buy special products to conform to the lack-of-flavor-of-the-week approach to food. They can just eat reasonable amounts of a reasonable variety of food and when they see them and others see them, everyone is happy. But I'm the exception. I'm overweight and the whole world is staring. And it's killing me constantly.