Lonely

23F. Randomly woke up a year ago, thinking to myself: Wow, I‘m really feeling lonely. Then, it began eating me away…slowly. Here I am today, still lonely. Never been in a relationship before, never dated anyone, never held hands with anyone. Not even a date.

I guess being single was fine for me.. until it wasn’t any longer. I try to go out and attend various events for the purpose of finding someone, but it always backfires because when I go, I go with the people I know, and don‘t really have the chance to meet new people. Besides, how could I, when they are also in their respective groups? And attending alone is rather hard.. because of social anxiety. I am a med student, so I am not somebody who has the time of the world in her hands. It sucks.

In my rotation group, I had a guy on whom I had a mini crush on. He had piqued my interest at the beginning of the semester. But… I couldn’t ever properly open up to him. I couldn’t handle rejection, especially when he is still in the same group as me, and I see him every day. He seemed like a sweet guy, was listening to me.. until I saw that he was treating every other girl in class the same. So I wasn’t anything special to him. That sucked as well. So I gave up on him. He recently got a girlfriend by the way. Good for him. My girl friends are all lovely people, but by the heavens above, they absolutely LOVE talking about their boyfriends every damn second during a conversation. That irritates me so much. I‘m happy for all of you, but seriously?

Anyhow, here I am, still stuck in the same cycle. I don‘t know what to feel anymore. But I have this consistent ache/longing in my chest, that won‘t ever go away. The desire to be held, loved and hugged is very intense currently. :)

Whoever reads this, wishing you all the best.