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Tonight I’m remembering how my little brother used to bite me. It’s common for children to be biters. From when he grew teeth to when he was 10, whenever he was mad at me, he’d lunge at me, bite down hard, maul me and not let go. I really feel like this was the root of our poor relationship as adults.
But I’m not remembering how much it hurt, or how scared I was of him. I’m remembering all the rules my parents put in place for “what to do when your brother bites you.” They framed this as me helping them to help him break the biting habit.
I was not allowed to bite back. Well that goes without saying. If I did, I would be punished as severely as he was. Or more, because I was older (by a whole 22 months) & “he started it” was not an acceptable excuse.
I was not allowed to hit him or pinch him or kick him or shove him after he bit me. Any attempt I made to extract myself from his grasp would be reported to my parents as hitting.
If I did anything to preempt the biting, I was at fault for instigating.
I was rarely permitted to call for help.
Tonight I’m remembering how one time he bit and mauled me like a dog because I wouldn’t give him the controller to play Grand Theft Auto, and I screamed my head off for help. I’m remembering how I was yelled at for scaring my mother. She thought it was something serious.
I’m thinking about how much I tone police myself now, as an adult, whenever I am hurt and upset. How I write and rewrite messages to express my own pain, just to make sure they are as palatable as possible. I did it to this post, too.
Is this learned helplessness? Is it something else? What do I call this?
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if this is playing on your mind see a therapist. You will get the help you need to get past this.
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