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I want to say I have a clearer mind now after a phone call.
but I want justice and it has never been my position to ask for it despite sharing the same blood stream. I'll try not to feel guilty for even putting myself close to that position, asking for something to be done, for wanting people to own up because when bad things happen, it's not a one-person situation. I have lived most of this life watching tragedies made by family, only for all of us to have a joint Sunday visit to church because that's the only way some of us could get a connection. I think you realize deep in your heart that you are what some may call a monster. and monsters have families too, but I don't have a big heart. I have a moral heart, a cold heart. because to be moral is to be cold to you. and it's not anything that anyone has said to me, I just know that life is vast and shareable, and I won't deny you my natural harm. I want to care less.
This is the last straw so I mourn for the future because I won't be talking to you. i have been mourning.
last year I was melodramatic, I thought I was dying from sickness (I had not been taking pills for 5 years for hypothyroidism) and it contributed to my bad grades, next month, I hope to get my health on track because it will contribute to not looking back. I'll squeeze this family dry of benefits before I leave.
This year, I learned that my cousin is also the child of my grandfather. and I am disappointed in my father's complacency to address the issue. There is never a dull moment. I also learned my mother is in jail. Of course, these aren't just things that happened, I watched it all roll in. I watched it, and either way, I destroy myself, for seeing it and not doing anything, for doing something and the results being in vain watching my idea of family break, and for being young at the wrong time. My life isn't too hard compared to others, but I am a sensitive person. I took a phone call, and I cleared my head. I'll try to get better grades and in some sense, it's laughable that it's a better result and savior than the god my grandparents look for.
I've written on here before but some things just don't go away from the mind. Ultimately, it comes down to the kind of person I am willing to be all in the name of familial love. but I am not unconditional, I have no big heart. and it's the lesser evil of who I am.
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