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I do not understand why it is so difficult to just accept the truth. I know for sure he is not the one for me. He is not even worth talking to me. I cannot spend my whole life with him. I cannot be living with this guy. I cannot be sacrificing everything for him. He is so rude. No, not rude. He is cruel and brutal. He abuses me so badly. He slapped me, hit me. Not once many times. Yet i stayed with him coz i always tried to understand the reason behind his such behavior when he came back to convince me. But that does not give him the license to keep doing that again and again. I warned him, stopped talking to him, it meant nothing. Then i started abusing him n hitting back when he abused or hit me. But it even worsened him. I had to see faces of him i never knew existed. Now i am again trying to be good n calm n make him realize it is not fair. But its just not working. No matter how nicely i speak, he always abuses me in really dirty languages. He gets angry if i don't succumb to his lustful desires. He called me a slut, Randi. Not once but thrice. Its been a year since that and still i stayed with him. i loved him. he doubts me for everything. He says i'm cheating him. I am not. i never ever did anything of that sort. If i ever go anywhere even with my mother he feels like i am cheating him. I cannot even go to a temple. he asks me questions like where were u? with whom did u go? these are fine, i answer as they are. but then he asks did u really go with ur mother? are u sure? y did u go to temple twice ? who was with u? Do u talk to any guys?
it is so difficult. and then he calls me a cheater n fraud n selfish n what not? He asks me to meet him whenever he is free. I can't meet him always coz i stay with my mom at home. and he stays in another state. yet once i went to meet him lying to my parents. he still thinks i'm cheating him n don't care about him. He is very mean. he speaks very indecently. y will i get married to him. I really loved him, a lot lot. But i just can't respect him now. I am afraid of him. he scares me. I gave him my everything. i did all that i could do. and yet he makes me feel so cheap. Everybody who knows about us tell me i should not be with him n that i deserve a better life. But i never gave heed to them. I had faith in my love. I trusted him. i believed that evrything will be fine if i try to understand. every temple i go, every time i go, i only ask god to keep us together and that give me the strength to understand him n make him happy and pray to keep him off all negativities and have trust in me n be good. But now i know its all waste. I"m just tired of trying not to fall. On my first job interview i said to the interviewer that i do not want this job, because he wanted me to say so coz he had not passed through the written with me. And i did so, although i was hurt like hell i did not give my interview, i went in sat down introduced myself and said i dont want this job. But i did it coz it made him happy, he had cried so badly like a baby thinking that his friends might mock him that his girl passed through but he did not. I was happy that atleast i could de something that would make him happy and feel good about me. I risked my career. it was in 2014 october. It was the first and last time he said that. But he still doesn't let me get into any private firm. he thinks i will cheat him with that kind of lifestyle. So i've been trying for government jobs since then. He supports me for that. I'm still jobless. He never let me participate in any of my college functions, he did not like it. But i loved it. still he alwys stopped me n fought with me if i ever dared to try. He did not like me going out with my girl friends too. he thought maybe i was going to meet someone else. Hence i never talked to any guys. Not even my childhood friends. I was a very confident girl and participated in every events till he came in my life. I had a good friend circle. I was a decent girl. A smart and intelligent one. But he abuses me n tells i had past relations in my school life n i am a cheater. i am not a cheater. I am fed up of listening it again and again. I was the best girl i knew. truthful. decent. I staked it all after coming in relation with him. people had bad impression about me after coming in relation. Still i never give heed to what people thought, coz i knew i was true. I was in love. It was my first relation. And i was true about it. So who would i have to fear. I was in college now. And i really loved him. But now it all seems like a trap. It is so difficult. i don't like him. he treats me very badly. I do not have the courage to bear anymore. what do i do? he loves me a lot. he is too possessive. He can do anything for me. He has done many good things for me too. But that is not what he is always like. and i don't know what to do now. I am afraid of him. he threatens me n blackmails me. he tells me he will take revenge. I feel like dying now. I will never fall in love again ever. nor will i have the courage to get married to anyone. so basically my life is wasted now. And i think that maybe i will be with him only and cry till i die than be without him and cry till i die. I have had so much that now it doesn't shock me anymore. he has said many bad things about me. i doubt if he is a man. Well he is. Just not the one we dream for. he is the man who we have for real around us. masked men. Abusive, egoistic, terrible men. And its such a pity i fell for one of them. They are so good at this. they make you helpless and ultimately put all the blame upon you. if i leave him he will say that i cheated him so i left because of shame. if i stay with him bearing all his atrocities he will think that he is so good that i'm afraid of losing him. I know i cannot have a normal life now. my life will be doomed any way with him or without him. Its so difficult to forget someone after being so close for 5-6 years. What causes people to break up after being in such deep love? Maybe its a moment, maybe a course of time. I don't know if i will ever have the courage to tell him i don't want him in my life. I am very optimistic. Still something in me tells i should try to understand him n call him n talk to him. Why am i like this? Why can't i just understand he is not the one for me. Why can't i just tell him to get lost and never come back into my life. Why ? oh why?
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