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I'm already 25 and I feel that I have not accomplished anything significant in my life. I am in law school which many people in my life think is a blessing and a huge achievement. Hopefully, three semesters from now I'll graduate and my friends are expecting me to succeed right after I pass the bar. In my case, I'm not really sure if that will happen. Honestly, I am very scared and doubtful about my future. I am not a good law student. I highly doubt I'll be a good lawyer. I am more scared of disappointing people than I am of ending up alone for the rest of my life. But despite that I am not motivated to be good in my law studies at all. Tomorrow I have class and we are supposed to read about 100 pages for recitations tomorrow. I haven't read even one page. I actually have nothing better to do and am so bored that I ended up binge watching a lot of rom-coms. Still I feel no inclination to start studying for tomorrow. Finals is also coming up and I am not reviewing despite the fact that I have all the time in the world to do that now. I haven't started on my thesis, not even the research part. I was so enthusiastic about it at the start of the semester, now it seems like I don't care at all. All I do is sleep and even when I get more than 8 hours of sleep I still feel freaking tired. I just want to sleep all day. Also going out with friends now bore me. It's like they're speaking a language I don't understand. They often talk about current events, new TV shows and other trending stuff most of which I know nothing about. I couldn't even figure myself out why should I bother with the lives of other people? A friend came to me one day and told me her problem. I smiled and listened and tried to comfort her like what a good friend is supposed to do but at the back of my mind I was screaming at her to "grow up and deal with it herself!". I find myself wanting to be alone most days and at most times I really hate the sight of other people. When I watch series and movies where one character or most of them act really stupid I get really pissed because they're too emotional and they do not use their brains to figure out the consequences. I find most of them idiotic and dumb. I cringe at the thought of romance, whenever I try to imagine myself with someone doing romantic things I just want to barf. I can't imagine myself at the behest of someone and feeling vulnerable with someone. If you put me in a position where I have to choose between saving the person I love or save the world, I, without hesitation will save the world only because it is the most logical thing to do. If you save one person, you still won't be able to save him in the end because the world will still end. Damning millions of people for one person is neither logical nor practical. It's stupid and selfish. You want to save the person because you don't want to be alone. You want him or her to be with you always because you're afraid to be left. So you'd rather choose to damn the lives of everyone so you can remain happy. What a selfish act that is really. Sure, you'll try to find a third option but once you've determined that there isn't any then choosing to save one person is utterly selfish. The same goes for choosing your life over the life of others. Like in many movies where they threaten to kill a person so that he or she will give them information and then they him or her anyway. Nah! Logically, since they went through all that trouble to get you means the information you have is too valuable to them. Killing you before they get the information is not practical for them. Their efforts would go to waste. So if you tell them under the threat of death, you're actually giving them the reason to kill you. Therefore staying quiet is actually the smarter move and if they grow impatient and kill you in the end then at least the information remains safe. It's a win-win for you if you remain quiet.
People who are reading this might think that I am emotionless and cold. I wasn't always like this you know. I once would give up the world for the man I loved but most recently nothing matters to me anymore. It seems like nothing is important anymore. That the only things that make sense would be logic and practicality. I have friends because I cannot survive alone and I need connections if I ever want to succeed in my future job. I socialize because of the same reasons. It's like everyone around me is just a network to help me survive. I've begun to care less and less about people. Losing sense of genuinely sympathizing with them when before I can. Now I see them as puzzles, something I can figure out just by observing them and getting information. A case that I can solve if only I have all the evidence. Sometimes I look at people and I see patterns of behavior and categorize them into types of people depending on their past and current circumstances. I can always describe people and predict the reactions, their behavior patterns, and even their though processes. I even find it easy to lie to people in their faces without any glimpse of hesitation that if ever I was hooked to a lie detector I'd pass with flying colors. I smile and act kindly, isolating myself from them sometimes to make them think I am quiet and harmless. I love pretending that I cannot do anything right so that they won't see me as a threat. I'd love to be that shadow that suddenly kills them in their sleep. So yes, in short, I've lost my emotions and what is left is the brain of a high-functioning sociopath. I don't know if I'll ever regain them again. For now, everything seems so meaningless, boring and useless. Unless a murder suddenly happens in my backyard or a bomb explodes in campus. That would be very exciting.
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