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There's this really cute guy (I mean high cheek bones, Chad-Michael-Murray material) who's also a musician (not well known apparently), and whose far beyond my league. It's just really sad, and it bites me inside, when I also think of the cute guy who texted me on Grindr, yet hasn't responded basically at all today. It's moments like this when I feel.. like a desperate-ass, whiney, lonesome, potentially unwanted bitch. I feel inadequate, and it just digs into me. I almost wish someone from outside could hear my cry. I know I said that 2017 is a no-nigga year, but f*! I want to at least feel wanted, even if it won't amount to anything. I have a deep desire for acceptance and.. attention from others. It's such an Achilles heel! Has been since my first big rejection in boarding school. I feel like I'm grossly misinterpreting things, and that guys will be guys and they'll like and pay special attention to those who they want to, so I might as well quit barking up a tree I'm not welcome on.
I now have to tell myself that I'm pretty and desirable and talented and smart and unique in so many good ways. Which is all true. I just.. thought I'd get more attention. Or is it coz I'm a guy? I'm a fucking girl inside! Anyway, I'll just have to do some positive-affirmation meditation, which should be therapeutic enough to see me through the night, and into a morning of running, washing the car, picking my then dry clothes, showering and cleaning, etc, and working on the portfolio. All with a big smile inside. Right? Yes! Absolutely! I love you girl! You've so got this! Fuck the flaky niggaz. Wait for a proper bite from the fish-infested sea. Just be patient and do you. Block them cute (probably fuck boys) guys out of your mind completely, and focus fully on you. SMILE!!! :-*
(Oh, it's 21:01 now)
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