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So, I don't know where this is going to get me but I decided to write about my feelings because this is getting to the point where I can't suffer in silence anymore. Over the past few years I have been dealing with severe anxiety and panic attacks mixed with depression mixed with other psychological issues. Over time, I've learnt how to better deal with my panic attacks, through breathing techniques and putting effort into changing negative thought patterns, but it has not been a cure all yet as I still suffer on and off. Just recently I hit a low point.
After working a full week's work and barely getting enough sleep on one of the days, my body became exhausted with fatigue and I fell into a state of high anxiety ( this tends to happen whenever I tire myself out too much). Last night while shopping at the grocery store I was having a panic attack on the inside, trying not to show any signs outwardly as i was in public. I could feel the anxiety getting greater and greater, was beginning to feel detached from my body, and felt like I was starting to suffocate. At many points I feared I was gonna have to make a huge spectacle of myself and call 911. Looked at the closest person I could see and contemplated pleading for help. It is at this time that I become my most vulnerable self. Thankfully, the panic attack didn't last forever. Eventually, after enough walking around the store it subsided, felt like I was able to breathe again, and was ok for the rest of the night.
This morning I felt fine after waking up. Until about an hr later I started to feel anxious again, my body going into a feverish-like state, and laid bedridden for about an hr or two. I normally tutor on Sundays but the anxiety was so high that I wasn't going to put myself in a situation where I was going to feel completely out of it while trying to tutor and also risk having another panic attack while at the students house so I decided to cancel the lesson. It was just too much to handle.
This afternoon I ended up driving to my sister's house as I just felt like I seriously needed to get out of my house as I was beginning to feel depressed sulking in my own anxiety. I ended up helping her with some yard work which helped distract my mind from the anxiety. Eventually I forgot I was having a panic attack and was fine.
Tonight after getting back home, I was feeling (and still am) completely numb. Just no emotions. Void of enjoyment. Tried listening to music but got little out of it. At this point I start to have suicidal thoughts. I get so tired of the ups and downs. Some days I feel more like myself, others, I feel completely void of who I am. Theres no emotion, no motivation, I don't want to do anything, I don't have any interest in anything. I lose sight of any goals I had. This summer i was feeling syked to start getting more in shape and exercising, but as soon as I started exercising it induced a severe panic attack. I've been trying to start a regular exercise regimen for years now but the same thing always happens. I panic once I start to feel like my breathing becomes too laborious. It's such an intense experience that I've had such a hard time getting over it.
I was not always this person. Back in 2011 I was living it up, studying abroad and basically panic attack free. I was in my early 20s then, didn't have nearly the anxiety I have now. I was fearless. I had goals that I worked hard towards. I didn't panic when things got rough. I was adventurous. 18 hrs on my first flight ever, yea I was nervous, but I handled it well. I used to be able to handle stress well for the most part. Now sometimes just after working a 9-6 shift I come home in panic not being able to breathe from the stresses at work. I am fragile. I am not the person I once was. I don't know what the hell has happened to me!
Many times I have contemplated just ending my life as I am tired. I'm tired of the panic attacks, I'm tired of not feeling like myself anymore, I'm tired of being numb. Im just, tired. On top of that I don't always feel appreciated or loved by the ones around me. Even my family at times. If you've taken the time to at least read this far, thank you for doing so~
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hi
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