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I was never a believer of things. I never believed in God, or Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. But my life turned for the worst when I just 9. My Dad, my own flesh and blood, left me, my mom and my 2 little sisters in the middle of the night. It was just the start of my everlasting sadness.
I don't think I ever felt any emotions as a kid (as far as I can remember cuz I have a bad memory). But in recent years, I felt nothing but great irritability or sadness. Although, I've been trying to change that. I've gained friends, experienced frightening crushes and even tried out for sports this year. For a while, I thought life was great.
But today was different. All I wanted was to be funny and do stupid things for shits and giggled. And I got the opposite reaction. Life decided to bitch slap me, then beat me to the ground while pissing on my face. I guess I got in trouble because people can't take the insensitive and god-awful things that come out of my mouth. So, I was sent to all-day In School Suspension, while the lovely Assistant Principal decided to call my mother who JUST DECIDED that I was responsible enough to un-grounding me. One of the social worker ladies said she would come up later and talk to me, which I REALLY wanted, but she didn't come for some fucking reason. I'm forced into quitting Lacrosse, which I've grown to enjoy.
You see, a few days ago, I stole a box cutter from the Art room and hid it in my bag. I have a knife stashed somewhere on my bed. I know several ways to kill myself, as well as kill others. It's that easy. I had an unsettling Internet life; friends who abandon me, being lured into a relationship where I sent pictures of every inch of my body, exposure to some creepy shit on PornHub. The list goes on.
I'm planning to kill myself soon. I feel like choking everyday. I can't live my life anymore. Sure, I have dreams, but it isn't going to impact the world or anything. The world isn't going to cry over me. There are going to be some sadness in my family and school, but only for a little while.
My words that I pour to this site is disarranged, but I can't help it. But no matter what I say, it isn't going to be enough. My mind flouds with sadness. I don't think I can fully let go of my thoughts. I want to stop. I want to die. I don't want to be here.
If there is a God, then let me to reborn into a better life, one that does not turn it's back against me when I try to be obedient.
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I get how hard life can be sometimes and some of us get a big share of shit rather than others. I had my share of sadness too and still going through some of the impact but that shouldnt stop me from believing that there more. I have thought about suicide too but for every 10 bad things that happens to me i am sure 1 good thing will too.I lost my mum recently and did a whole lot of stupid things because i was angry and sad but that ended making me sadder. Try to think rationally and try to see an aim in life you know. you say that the world will not grieve but people don't die so that other grieve. People die because they finished their story and got their endings, people die because they fought hard and then even harder. I hope that you read what i wrote and think things through. life can suck but there is always a chance that tomorrow is yet another day than can turn your life over. stay strong and keep hanging on, you are not alone my friend i promise you that! Lots of love <3
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