What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text TEEN to 839863 (Teen Line). More resources.
I just want to give up.. does anyone feel like the way i do?
6 years ago · 2 · Suicide, +5 · Explicit
598
I wrote this to my friend just now, but was too scared to hit send.. i supposedly have 10 months cleab, almost a year, but only sorta kinda.
So here it is...
I need to tell u something and i need it to stay between us.. because fear of making people overreact, or me being too honest... scares me..
So here it is- i really feel like giving up.. i feel like i felt at the depths of the bottoms of my addiction... just not on drugs.. like somehow its now just easier to look okay to everyone else.. while inside, well.. inside, is still that soul rot that was there when i looked like i was running towards death. I just feel done. I feel like im weird.. i feel like my brain doesnt work the way its supposed too.. im on sooo many meds, i did soo many drugs.. i feel wrong. Im socially akward. I have mouth dyslexia. I let life pile up against me, and the weight of it all is cracking an already broken veneer. I have tickets beyond belief. Im broke beyond belief. I buy beyond belief. I totaled my car. Im clean, but only sorta kinda. I drink here and there. I do drugs that arent really drugs but are still drugs. And right now, i want to drink myself into a stupor of oblivion. I want to be a puddle of a mess, because thats how i feel inside. I wonder why some people love me, and most people dislike me. I make mistakes... so many mistakes.. all the time. I wonder if this is just me.. becuase i feel like its just me.. i dont feel like other people feel this way. But maybe they do... i hope they do.. i dont want to be alone on this one. I wonder if this is only because im tired from working all day and smashing my car yesterday which i dont have the moeny to replace... but for some reason, no matter what, i always find myself back at this same spot.. feeling this same way... with drugs or without... i think i started usong drugs for a reason, and now i remember what it was... it was because this is how i feel. This is how, on some level, i always feel. Some days im better at pushing it down, throwing layers upon layers of shit above it, between me and it, and other people.. some days i make less mistakes... but those days take soo much work. Its hard. And even when i try, its not always good enough. I wonder if this is what life will always feel like. I wonder if this is what life is.. i wonder if this is how everyone feels?.. life breaks me. Even on the good days, it just feels like short reprieves from the bad.. like im drowning always but on the good days, ive just managed to bob to the surface to gasp for enough air to keep me trying to not drown.. and sometimes.. right now, maybe. I dont even know, maybe im being mellow dramatic.. but there it goes again, the layers of shit between my truth and other people.. you speicifically right now.. my truth and me. My fear of overreacting, and worrying people unnecisarrily... but, right now, i want to just give up, i want to stop fighting so hard to gasp for those reprieves of air between the bad. I feel like my house is burning down, im in it, and either im just being too kind to let people know.. or maybe i dont want to say something, so i can just keep burning.. i dont even fucking know what im even saying rigbt now.. but life is hard. I sometimes feel like giving up, almost always. Abd im done. I feel so done, with feeling this way.. by wau of drugs, by way of life itself, or by way of me... i want to be done. I just want to be done savannah. Im done.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
Death
My best friend just committed suicide today. It was all my fault... If i wasn't so stupid and selfish she would be here. It was all my fault... She did so much...
-
I swear there is nothing for me in this world 🌟
Even the most basic things are an impossibility for me in this world. It's been like this from the very beginning. I cannot even afford the most basic things. I...
I hope you continue. It takes time and trying different things to come down and get use to life away from drugs.
Make amends to people you may have harmed.
Be honest with yourself.
Forgive yourself.
Take care of yourself.
One day at a time.
Sometimes we have to stop crying and instead ask ourselves what can I do about it.
Trust me I know how hard that can be to do.....but you can!
I wish you strength.
ReplyI don't have drug or drinking problems, but I have wanted to commit suicide before. My life isn't messed up outwardly. But I've been feeling progressively more and more depressed, angry, fustrated, and lonely since Febuary. Sometimes I wish I was an adult, so I could do what I wanted. It'd be so much easier to get relief then. I'm not allowed to listen to rock music or heavymetal, but those types of songs give me a deeper connection than my parents' music. I'm not allowed to read magna or watch anime, but I feel so amazingly giddy when the theme song for One Piece starts playing. It's one of the only times I feel at peace. I really can't offer you much encouragement. I just know that I personally believe that suicide is a one-way ticket to hell, which is the one of sole reasons I haven't killed myself. I really don't want you to go to hell, so even though you might not personally believe in heaven and hell, and you don't even know me, if its not too late, I would ask that you PLEASE don't kill yourself. Please. If for no one or nothing else, please do it for me. If no one else is fighting these feelings, then maybe I won't either. Please don't leave me alone here...
Reply