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I've been dealing with a lot lately, and it's an unbelievably long story. It's been going on for years. I'm dealing with PTSD, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, OCD, self harming, the works, I guess. And I just feel so alone. Something happened at my school, and it resulted in me being cut off from all my friends and the community around me. It's been like that for over two months. I barely leave the house because I literally have no social life. My friends have pretty much been told that they are not allowed to talk or interact with me. I feel like I've lost everything. I have one more year until I graduate, and part of me really just wants to go back to that school. But that's complicated, too. My parents and I have struggled with the principal and teachers, and for the past few years, school was a really unhealthy environment for me. But it has always been my dream to make it through to graduation. I loved the people at the school. I have been going to that school all my life. But when I started displaying emotional problems and needs, things started to get really difficult. I started self harming in eighth grade, and I'm in eleventh grade now, still doing it. I have lied to pretty much everyone that has asked if I have stopped. I don't do it where anyone can see. Since eighth grade, it got harder. I started to struggle with depression. I felt an enormous pressure to be perfect. Part of that was the school, the teachers, my culture, and part of it was my OCD. The obsessive thoughts really started getting to me last year. I started have obsessive thoughts about going up on my school roof and wanting to jump off. I started having obsessive thoughts about hurting myself, killing myself, hurting and killing others. Not to mention, I had horrible nightmares about all that, too, nightmares that made we wake up in the middle of a panic attack. That's the year the panic attacks started to get really bad. The only way I could handle even a little bit was drawing. But when I tried to show people my drawings, it scared them away. No one knew what to do. People would extend the offer for me to talk to them, but whenever I did, they would freak out. It's like they wanted to help, but they just kept me at arm's length. Like I said, it's a really long story.
But here I am, at 3:30 in the morning, with all these obsessive thoughts about roofs and heights and hurting myself. And I just feel so alone. I have cried every day for the past two and a half months. I was suddenly torn away from everything I have ever known, and the event has only caused me more trauma to try and get through. I don't really want to keep fighting. I'm so tired of feeling like this. Part of me really wants to reconnect with all my friends and the school. But I cannot forget all the past hurt. I don't know anymore. Everything hurts. It hurts so much I can feel it physically sometimes. I don't want to be me anymore. I fall apart every night. And I'm just alone. I'm stuck in a bubble, cut off from the rest of the world. Part of me longs to go back, and part of me just wants to disappear.
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