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It’s rude to criticize grieving widows. Maybe it’s even mean or cruel, and a boiling cauldron awaits me in Hell. But Sheryl Sandberg’s new book, Option B, is hard to take seriously, especially for those of us who are not multi-millionaires and have lost a spouse and been left alone caring for young children.
Many glowing reviews have been written about Option B, but no reviews mention the glaring inadequacies of this book. This is probably out of sympathy for the author. Or perhaps fear of retribution from Facebook, her employer, and probably the one of the most powerful companies in the world. In any case, as an anonymous writer, I don’t have to worry about that.
There is no denying that Sandberg’s grief is very real and quite raw and the book reflects that. Her husband had been dead less than two years (seven days shy to be exact) when the book was published. That means she was writing and pitching it when he had been dead only one year. How much real insight can she have only one year into one of the most horrible experience of life? The suffering has only just begun. As an example, consider that Prince Harry, who was 13 when he lost his mother 20 years ago, recently admitted to visiting a counselor for help with his grief. The book, which sometimes reads like a victory parade, is premature, to say the least.
In many ways, the book seems like mortuary opportunism. It’s disjoint and cobbled structure gives the impression of publishers rushing to strike while the grief is raw, before the author can come to her senses and realize that her pain is being exploited as fuel for profits.
As an analogy, imagine that I get into a car accident. Am I then an expert in automotive safety? Or if I break my leg, should I write a book about skeletal fractures? No.
The expert in this book is Adam Grant, the co-author. But why is Sandberg making the rounds of talk shows and writing articles? Because she is rich and famous. But don’t expect much insight or expertise.
On the positive side, Sandberg finally admits that her previous book, Lean In, was insensitive toward single women. This was a huge criticism of Lean In. Finally, now that she has a had a brief taste of single parenthood, she can finally acknowledge that, well, it’s hard and her advice rang hollow. But in reality, she still has no idea. Most single moms don’t have billions in assets. They don’t have nannies. They don’t fly in top psychologists when they are feeling down. Lean In was criticized as elitist and detached from common reality. Option B follows a similar track, but with a tad more humility born of suffering.
Among other things, the book recommends throwing yourself back into work. That’s great, if you don’t actually have any real work to do, or if you have nannies, cooks, house cleaners to take care of the home, etc. Facebook is a great company, and Sandberg is very fortunate to work there. But most companies are not as generous.
In my experience talking with widows, mostly at support groups, many widows are eventually fired, laid off, or forced to quit because it’s impossible to balance work and home when there is suddenly only one parent. If the dead spouse had plenty of life insurance, this is not such a big problem. But that’s not the case for most people.
Naturally, most companies won’t outright fire a widow right away. No. That would look bad. But within the year, somehow, the job will be gone. And once you lose that job, you are virtually unemployable. I’m not talking about specialized scientists or well-connected executives—the top 1%--who’s skills are always in demand. What about average people? What advice does Sandberg, a business guru, have for these people? None.
But you can hardly blame her. She doesn’t really have to work. I mean she has more money than she could possibly ever spend. And she’s always been filthy rich compared to the average person. Born that way. So she doesn’t even know what it’s really like to be unemployed and desperate. She works because she wants to and it makes her happy. And that’s great. But most people are not in that boat.
Most widows have to work twice as hard and then come home to twice the disaster. Con artists trying to swindle you, kids acting out, shutting down, depression, friends abandoning you. Until the ACA, most people had little access to mental health care. And it looks like we may soon return to that state, but that’s a different story. In any case, competent mental health is very expensive. The free stuff provided by your insurance company doesn’t usually work very well. Rest assured, dear reader, that Sandberg’s counselor is far superior to any psychologist foolish enough to accept the miserly payments from your insurance company.
Sandberg’s story is tragic yet inspiring. No one denies that. The book is also full of stories of other people who have had to overcome enormous setbacks, like rape, and not just death. There are too many poignant stories to touch upon here. Although they sometimes appear as afterthoughts, clinical and calculated, added in to make the book appear more balanced, nevertheless they make the book more than just a banal memoir. The book is the work of two authors, a business guru and a psychologist, and it’s a relief that Option B pulls stories from various perspectives.
Yes, the book tells many stories and is well researched and documented. But that’s not enough. The main story, Sandberg’s story, is still too raw to make much sense. Like in Lean In, it’s a lesson about the life of the extremely rich elite, ignoring the perspective of the average person. In Option B, we get to see how super rich people deal with tragic loss and grief. Unsurprisingly, grief is awful and doesn’t really care whether you are rich or poor. And perhaps also unsurprisingly, even in grief, rich people are still out of touch with the experience of common people.
-- Diogenicus, May 2017
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Very well written and I like the message a lot.
Thanks!
ReplyYou hit the nail on the head, although I must say, you did it gracefully and in an extremely polite and considerate way. Right about when the book came out, I asked my self those same questions and thought "wow, some people can capitalize and profit even from their own tragedy". But (more or less) just like you, I kept those thoughts to myself almost for the same reason you have listed in the beginning of your article. But the thought and the reality about how some people are — naturally or instinctively programed to "mean business, even when they are not doing business" have never left my mind.
Best Regards
ReplyCompletely agree. Recently picked up this book (I know I’m late to the game) and was I shock when I read the first few pages where I see she talks about a young woman being raped and dealing life the way she then learned to deal with his loss. I can’t see the two being on equal grounds…. Every setbacks are different but being raped is a crime, and a completely evil caused by another person!
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