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Do I love him or am I scared of being alone
I hold the gun in one hand and a handful of pills in the other contemplating what would be better. Gun blood mess, him seeing that could break him, my sons can't loose both of us. Pills, but where? bathroom locked door? would it be enough time? what if my boys saw!? it could break them. My boys asking when is mama coming home, at lease there young enough to not remember me, except my oldest but I'm not a nice person even to him I feel I'm always yelling at him knowing he's 7 what do I expect?! he's a great kid that already does so much he doesn't deserve it. he'd be better, she'd finally get him and he would get everything he'd want and need. I'm inaccurate in every way, I no my husband feels that I don't love him, maybe that's why he can't be there for me emotionally. I'm stuck where only I can be there for me, so i cant be there for him, how will we last? can I ever get over the past, what's been done to me and what I've done to others, what I've done to myself and also what I want to do to myself. For 13 years I felt this, with many different people, situations, and most of all just pain. 2 suicide attempts later, still constant thoughts rush my mind almost daily. lost with no direction with belief in god or something greater and hatred for religion. Lost, confused, lonely, sad, with a need for something and the will for nothing, want for nothing or I guess nothingness. I have children and husband who refuses to see my pain but has a lot of love, maybe grandchildren, great grandchildren that should be enough but it doesn't seem to be for me. I always say it will get better with time and age the fazes of live. I thought I needed to be 18 then 21 maybe 30 until I finally realized my age doesn't matter, time doesn't heal I have to deal with my thoughts pain and my past. How!? I'm angry depressed and feel nothing but alone while being surrounded by loved ones. My worst fear is not death but dying for something that's all in my head, just a chemical imbalance.
-I want to die-
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