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A letter to the boy who took me home when I was too drunk...
6 years ago · college, +4 · Explicit
388
There is so much I want to ask you. Some of these most basic questions include: When did I meet you? How did I end up at your home? And what happened? All I know is that after having maybe one too many drinks at a party, I woke up next to you, a stranger, wondering where my clothes were, where I was and disgusted by the fact that there were used condoms on the floor next to the bed.
Yes, I will admit that I have slipped before, regretting a bad night is all too common and happens to the best of us. However, no slip had ever made me feel the way this one did. In addition to the physical repercussions of my night, such as stumbling into a cab in the morning still drunk from the night before and proceeding to have a stomach bug like hangover for the next forty-eight hours, I was repulsed by my own self.
How disgusting was I to have gone home with someone I didn’t even know? How worthless was I, for a guy to think he could just violate me for a night, then dispose of me after? But the biggest question of all is when did it go wrong? At what point in the night did I think it was okay to leave without telling anyone, with someone I didn’t even know? I know for a fact that I went out that night with a mindset that I wanted no one, and just wanted to have fun with my friends. At what point did I think it was okay to not only disrespect my body, but everything I believed in? I can’t remember. One thing I can remember however, in between my black out, was vomiting at your house and asking you to take me home. You told me you weren’t okay enough to drive, so I guess I was stuck there, really wishing I could be back at my dorm. I really shouldn’t have been there.
Thinking about this more leads to more questions: At what point did you think it was okay to touch me after I had been puking? Clearly I was not okay from the alcohol (among other things). And, at what point did my clothes come off? Why, when I went to go put my clothes back on in the morning, were they nicely folded over your chair? I definitely did not do that myself, especially in the state that I was in. I am not even that organized sober!
I am sure that you meant no harm at all. Maybe if I actually had gotten to know you I would have thought you were a decent guy, so I apologize that you have become my breaking point with myself. To you, I am probably just another number, a slut, a Freshman girl who got too drunk, too stupid and was an easy target for you to take advantage of. I know that you don’t think of me at all, I mean why would you? I was just a one-night stand, a rail and bail. But to me however, you seem to have unknowingly become a very big part of my life.
Although this is old news, and you should be insignificant to me, you somehow manage to creep into my mind, and get me down in some way, every single day. The thought of that night makes me cringe. I feel anxious, helpless, hopeless, worthless and lost. The thought of people finding out, makes me feel mortified and ashamed. Physically, I feel dirty. The many showers I have taken since that night have all failed to wash away the weight of the thick layer of grime I feel clinging onto my skin.
Sure, most girls would be perfectly content with sleeping with some guy they just met. I have been “okay” with it too. I just wish you realized or knew that there was something so fucked about this situation. That night has left me afraid, and resentful of every single guy I come across. I do not want to talk to anyone, and I do not want anyone to talk to me. At this point, I never want to be touched again. How am I supposed to know what a guy is thinking or what his motives are? What will he really want from me? What if I am vulnerable, and he see’s a perfect opportunity to take advantage of that? I can not help but convince myself that that is what it will be like because that’s exactly what it was like with you.
The disrespect you have given me, along with disrespect accumulated from other boys has made me feel disrespect towards myself. I am nothing. I just wish you could know how much this hurt me. How much I resent myself for my actions. I wish the other boys or anyone who may have found out could know that I did not mean for this to happen. I wish my friends would realize that I am not overreacting, or acting crazy because this is how I feel. I just want to forget, but I can not. I am not like this. There is so much more to me than my body. Although my actions may show otherwise, I am not that girl. I do not ever want to be that girl.
Sincerely,
The Random Drunk Girl You Decided to Take Home
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