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(I am super tired and not a native English speaker. Sorry for mistakes.) But I was doing almost OK. I thought I had it under control, well, at least better than this. But again it seems that I was just acting to be the one in control. Yes, I know I have been filling my days with anything - work, gym, movies (as long as it's not social) - so that I don't have time to think or to feel, but it was working. Or I thought so. I guess deep down I knew that it's going to backfire, it always does. And it's starting now.
We had a summer party at my workplace last week and right after that (a bit hangoverish) I spent the evening/night with a friend of mine. The party was ok, although I'm not sure which parts actually happened and which I only imagined or dreamt of. But the evening with my friend was just torture. I was already tired and hungover and socially overwhelmed after the party and really could not think about anything to discuss and was just hoping that I'd be over soon. I was also feeling guilty because of that since at some point, not so long time ago, I considered him my best friend, with whom I could, and wanted to, talk about anything and we'd never run out of things to discuss. But something had been happening over the last months, I've been having very aggressive thought towards him. More and more ofter I can not stand him, or feel actual hate against him. There might be some reasons for this, but it's not his fault, and I really wouldn't want to feel this way. This has happened to me before with some other people, ending up to a situation where I loathe someone so much that I have to cut all the connections to them, and when I communicate with them any way I start instantly feeling extremely powerful rage and aggression and just want to hurt them. I have no idea why. So I better stay away.
Anyway, I survived the evening and got rid of him the next using some kind of an excuse. Usually after too much social interaction I need ~a day to be able to function while being alone and maybe 1-2 weeks to be able to socialise again with anyone. During the last months I've been over-stressed due to work (and have been working too much to prevent thinking etc.) and this "downtime day" was the first time for a long time when I've got to stop. And now this forced time-doing-nothing probably gave my body and mind a break to realise that they are so done. I am not recovering, vice versa. I'm just feeling worse and worse. I either feel anxious and suicidal, or extremely aggressive, or both. I would like to yell, scream, cry, hurt anyone, and myself, cut, burn, overdose, die.
This is really going to the very wrong direction. I'm not sure whether I'll be able to fix this. If I again started to distract myself with things I might be able to return to the situation I was before (I know it's not a long time solution), but I am so fucking tired, both mentally and physically. I don't know if I can do it. I just want to give up.
But the problem with giving up is that probably I'll just end up to the psych ward, they keep me there a week or a month and let me go, to face the same problems again. (Been there, done that.) And I really can't go crazy now, I'm finishing my PhD at the moment, and nope, this is not the time. I'm in therapy but it doesn't help me, I just don't find it helpful to talk to a therapist (or my friends, or anyone). I'm not even sure if I want it to work, I think I'd rather die.
One of the hardest things is to keep up the appearances, hide behind my good girl -mask and greet everyone with a smile. I've tried opening up a bit (with my family and friends) but it never ends well. I just end up reassuring my parents they've done nothing wrong (they have) and I'm totally OK and there's nothing to worry. They make me feel guilty because I am depressed, have anxiety and a dissociative disorder. Everything is too much, I can't take it anymore. I've been barely surviving for 15 years, more than half of my life, gone through ~20 different kind of pills, ~10 therapists, electric shock treatments, psych wards, and I don't want to anymore. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, why can't I be like "normal" people? I have no "real" reasons to be like this, which makes things even worse, because I still am. I can not "live" my life like this, I can not take another 15 or 50 years of this. I'm letting go.
Fuck.
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