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I might not make the right decisions when it comes to ladies. I think I know what I want, I long for it, search for it, then find some semblance of it. I think I find what I want – I think it's in my hands – then I criticize elements of it until I convince myself it's not right. I find all the negatives and focus on them, I look right over the positives. I find reasons to be purely incompatible. Why do I do this?
Is it because I actually, honestly, truthfully believe I want, deserve, and can find better? Are my dreams actually possible? If I keep ruining relationships, ruining women's lives... will I actually find what I'm looking for?
Is the hunt what I want? Is being single what I want? Independence? I'm not entirely sure. I believe I do want intellectualism. I love deep conversations. I believe I do want someone to enjoy psychadellics with, no? That'd be special. I want to be truly happy with someone. I want the butterflies, the huge grin, the... perfect life.
Is it possible? I'm just so not sure if she is right for me. We get along well enough. She's sweet, she tries, she puts up with me and is cute. She's not perfect, no, but neither am I.
Does this still mean I should not seek someone more compatible? I think I should. I think the girl for me is out there and she'll make my heart sing.
The strangest part is... it's happened before. I have been in love. My stomache has been aflutter and my heart has sung. None of these things happen when I'm with her, so if I stay with her I feel I may honestly, deep down, without a doubt, be settling on one of the largest decisions of my entire life.
Why settle? Why not find the fluttering stomache? Why not keep hunting for perfection? It's so difficult. This conflict in my head. I must stay, I must play it out, she's a great match for me. My perfect mate is out there.
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Maybe putting into words your sentiments and discontentment, expressing what you yearn for was all you needed and now you're feeling better. Not great, but better. And it is a starting point. Good for you and don't be ashamed!
It's quite surprising and brave and a bit strange how you just need an outlet and you end up writing here.
We're all searching for a person that will bring out the best in us, help us truly live and not just stumble through life with scarped knees. Maybe, just maybe, you should get to know yourself a little better, because you keep evolving and changing and your expectations of that special lady are also redefined over time. We all want an equal, someone to love and laugh and maybe even cry with, share our deepest or silliest thoughts, be each other's rock, combustion and calmness.
What a terrible feeling not knowing if you are settling for contentment or if you have a real chance with your current partner, if you will hurt yourself and her as well, if you are self-sufficient or not. It's even worse when you are sure that the one is out there, that you can almost see and taste and smell that person, yet somehow you just end up with "almost". Almost happy, almost love, almost found that elusive beauty. Annoying, isn't it?
I think you have already made up your mind about your current relationship while your were writing.
It's normal to worry that you keep taking the wrong turns or wondering who your girl is and why she is taking her sweet time getting home.
Just be honest, at least with yourself! Good luck!
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