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Hi. It's my first time here and here is my entry, actually a note on my phone I had been adding to everytime my sadness kicks in. English language isn't my mother tongue so forgive me for my grammatical errors and such.
I am tired of being alone. Feeling that I am alone. Like the world is against my pathetic useless self. Losing all the self-esteem, courage and positivity I invested so hard for a very long time. My emotional self is tired of pretending that I am okay, that everything is fine, that everything is under control.
Like why do I keep on fooling and layering myself with a disgusting sugar coat that tells everyone around me 'hey I am that positive cool guy' but oh hello dear inside, you are just as depressed as you really are.
Even my actions tells me you cannot freaking please everybody and now I can't even do the right thing and please anybody. I don't even know why I am trying to please anyone. It was like I was destined to have such a terrible attitude that no one ever likes me. People see me as a horrible person, a pathetic excuse of a human being, someone who just existed to breathe air and be part of the life cycle who has nothing exciting going on his life; unlike someone who has got a lot of attention, a lot of cool things he can achieve and get, all the classy-ness, and just something that makes him popular.
Maybe I was just trying too hard you know or maybe because I was just jealous? Jealous of others who have friends they can truly rely on. I don't know. It really hurts to admit something bad you don't want to be but you yourself notices it.
I am just that no one, passing by. I have my family yes, but it's like I am not even there. I don't have any siblings either. I have friends, a lot of friends because I like being social and I open up a lot. But things got worse that I always blame myself because of my shitty attitude(?) or some stuff like that which people don't like. Like the are those friends who only know you when they needed you. Back-stabbing friends. Friends who you thought are your friends but will ignore you in the end. The friends I treasure so much, in the end will use me, forget me, and talk trash about me in the near future.
I think being accelerated/ skipping one academic year did its toll on me. Wherein I think it makes me look childish to others in my school year. I don't mature that fast enough to cope up with their age bracket. Like I'm 17 and in my third year of college. My classmates are around 18-21 already which kind of sucks. Plus I am also having anxiety problems which nobody around me seems to understand. It is so ironic because on the outside, I appear to be that crazy, positive, hype, energetic person but on the inside.. Well you know the whole story.
I want to have someone or somebody who at least understands me, supports me, loves me as a friend as I really do to them. Someone who will accept me for who I am, not for who I am trying to be.
I don't know what I'm doing in my life.
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Sorry I am a complete mess. I can't gather my thoughts right and everything is so scattered. But thank you for reading up to this point. :)
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ReplyHi, I'm Out of Place and I'm a friend to all the lonely people. I too ended up the sad victim of an unwilling and anonymous crowd. The comment before mine is quite interesting. Read it again.
ReplyWe are the lonely.
We walk the darkness of the footsteps
You left behindWe living humans
Left to exist like dreams
Cursed to live like the deadTake a look behind you
An orphan shadow stands patient
In the hope beautiful days will returnYou tremble and fail to give your hand
Maybe you knew
We'd have taken your whole bodyTo transform the soaring of an angel
Into the flight of a demon
It only takes thirst and hunger for love.
Reply