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Let me start by saying that I usually don't do this sort of thing. I mostly keep my stories and experiences to myself. I find it very hard to trust people. Even my closest of friends don't know everything that is going on with me. I don't really qualify myself as a lonely person, because I have a relatively strong group of friends. I have five really good friends that I trust with most of my problems. Yet, I don't want to bother them with the problems that actually matter to me. What if they're not really interested in helping me? Then I will have put myself out there, only to be shunned by the people I trust. This is not only what is happening in my head, but this has actually happend in real life. I don't make up this problem.
Recently my girlfriend broke up with me. At that time I had a female friend who knew me to the core. We had become best friends at high school and had stayed in contact since. She is the one person I would trust with my life. I had helped her with problems no one else wanted to help her with, listened when no one else wanted to listen and offered my heart when no one else wanted to give it to her. When my girlfriend and I broke up, the only person that came to mind who could catch me, was her. But.. she didn't. It was my first girlfriend by the way, so the pain was new to me and I didn't know how to react to it. Now I'm a different person, but at that time I really needed someone to catch me. She didn't catch me. She did the opposite. She walked out of my life when I needed her the most. I guess you could argue that a break-up isn't a big deal, but in my opinion pain is relative and ones pain should never be brushed off like it is nothing. She acted like my break-up was nothing and she didn't offer me any help. Even when I asked her to support me, she replied she didn't have time. I even asked when she did have time to support me and she replied that she didn't know. The one person that I was confident knew me to the core, didn't know that I hit rockbottom... Some time passed and we stopped talking to eachother. She just disappeared out of my life without a reason on the worst possible moment in my life at the moment. Someone that I called my best female friend did that to me. I can't forgive a person like that. I know when you help someone you shouldn't expect anything back, but I really expected her to be there for me when I needed her, but she wasn't there. Am I really wrong to assume such a thing? To expect a friend to be there for you in your time of need? I personally don't think I'm wrong, but perhaps I am. To think that the one person that knew me best, left me when I made the decision to open up to her about my problems. That really resulted in me having the fear of trusting people. She is the reason that I don't trust my friends.
So, in one fell sweep I lost both my girlfriend and my best female friend.
On top of that, another person I really cared about shut me out of her life. We were so close. We could even be perceived as a couple. Truth be told, I did have a thing for her. But I wanted to stay friends anyway. She shut me out. I don't know if the universe is against me or if I am doing something horribly wrong in my life, but I don't have the answer. I'm looking for it though, but I can't find it.
Three people that I really loved with my heart, disappeared in a short period of time. I was a person that didn't care about what people thought of me. I just tried to be a understanding, loving, friendly person to everyone I met. But recently I found myself in a place in my mind where I rather not be. No one notices that I'm in trouble though. Everyone just thinks I'm fine. Whereas I can see when my friends are sad, agitated or unhappy every single time. Why can't they see it? Do they not care enough about me to look if I'm really okay? Questions like these really haunt my life. It even affects my grades. I am currently in college and about to enter my third year, Yet, these problems really make it hard for me to focus.
I feel like I am all alone, even though I know I am not. Perhaps it is because no one understands my point of view. Or maybe I am just wrong to think like this...
Either way, I would really like someone to read my story and just understand my perspective on the matter.
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Well if you dated or was in a relationship and it has ended then it should end...completely.
Because if it doesn't than all kinds of wrong things can happen.:
Also it sounds like your co-depended.
If someone does not want you then you go to your wing person. ...friend. ..ex....or whomever. ..you can't validate yourself so you seek it from others.
Yup...that's an eye opener....
ReplyThank you, I didn't even know something like "co-dependend" existed. I will look into it.
ReplyI understand how you feel in the context, I only have a couple of friends altogether, and only one friend that I really trust, but still, I don't tell her everything, in fear of her not caring, or me just bothering her. It's crazy that we, as humans, constantly seek attention and comfort from other human beings.
Break ups are difficult. It doesn't matter how old you are, or who your partner is..when you put your life and soul into another person, for that to turn out to be a waste of time, it's degrading. It makes us feel sad, and in need of someone who will give us attention, which, like you did, is why it's completely natural to swade towards our closest friends. Although, I feel like, although breakups are natural and what not, you obviously broke up for a reason, and so it's probably best that things ended. I may not know you, but you probably deserve so much better than what you were receiving.
Losing people is..horrible. Knowing that they're meant to care, and you trust them to care and that, and they just..don't..again is degrading. It's a horrible thing to have to go through, which is why it naturally will change your moods and the way you feel. I think from what you've said, that you do have people that care about you, but if you hide those feelings, really well, the people that you think might know you really well, won't be able to see what your really going through.
I'm actually younger than you, but I know what it's like to have trust issues, after you've lost three people through no fault of your own. You were nothing but yourself, and these people still left, which can make you feel awful, and like you said, these horrible thoughts will float through your head. Personally, I believe that these people do care, but prehaps your so worried about them knowing your not okay, that you have these walls up that you might not realise, and so they don't actually know. Despite the fact it's difficult, prehaps you need to try and put your trust In someone else. Getting your feelings out is something I've learned needs to be done. You don't do yourself, or your life any favours by bottling everything up. Prehaps baby steps..but try and put that trust in someone different..it's not nice to be alone, and no one should feel like they are, especially in this day and age.
I hope everything works out, and if you still struggle, then let me know, and I'm here!
ReplyThank you for your kind and understanding response. I will take your advice and take little steps in order to better myself. It's just a little bit hard to go from everyone liking and accepting you to this situation right here . It may not be as bad as it seems, but it sure feels that way. Again, thank you for you support. It really helps me.
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