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This is about a girl. Someone who is already way in the past, however for some reason I just cannot shake her away from my head.
This girl was someone who was my first crush/love from when I was a teenager. I never planned or expected our relationship to last since after we got together a few months later we were separated by a huge distance. At first it was pretty crushing but after a while I accepted it. But then we started talking again and soon we decided to try long distance. That was the beginning of a 5 year long distance relationship. At first it was pretty great. Talking with my best friend for hours on end, texting, aim, bbm, emails, skype, about anything. I eventually got to see her ever so often, maybe in the summer since she still had family where I lived. However I could never do anything for her, like visit or let her meet my family. For some reason, my mom hated her, hated that I spent so much time talking to her. But all this is context. Eventually things got admittedly a little stale. I knew her like I knew myself, things became ordinary since I could never be with her, never experiencing stuff like real dating since all we ever have were a few opportunities. I became distanced, she became demanding, then she got asked out on a date by a coworker and said yes. We took a break and it ended.
Final year of high school was weird, I felt myself changed but I was so unsure of everything. I pushed through, graduated, tried to forget her, let go, tried to date someone else, but it wasn't the same. I didn't have any emotional support to help me hold myself up. I thought "time heals all wounds" as I kept hearing but here I am 3 years later seeing her in my dreams, finding her in my thoughts, and recently I found myself stressing myself out to the point I'm having chest pains.
I've accepted I'm never seeing her again, I've tried talking to her before to see how's she's been. I'm trying to convince myself to be happy for her and her new boyfriend. But I'm still having all these thoughts. It physically hurts to think about her. I feel sad and upset I seemingly can't move on.
For the most part, I don't think I miss her, I just miss the feeling of being with someone like her. Having someone to talk to, being intimate, and I have no idea how I'm ever going to get there again.
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