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Yesterday felt like a new day. I was at the beach, I was away from work and my stresses. And, then I drove home. And, not even before getting back to this place, we fought. I felt terrible and stressed, questioning why am I returning? Why is he still around? Why won't people who love me tell me truths ; and instead handle me like delicate flowers that they do not want to crush. Especially since I keep asking, "what am I doing wrong?"
And, instead I am with this man that I cannot just get away from. All the other men I had wanted in my life, left running when I thought I could spend my life with them because they were so great. Then, I move cities and I stumble across this man who I cannot wedge from myself. He tells me how great I am, then crushes everything. I bought my own house, and he won't leave. I thought smartly about helping him find his bliss, and start his own profitable garden, and he doesn't want to leave it,understandable but complains about where we are ever day. I apologize for us being here every day. Yet, he won't leave. We are both unhappy in this relationship and he won;t leave. He would rather tear my life apart then leave. How did I end up this terrible person when I have never cheated, killed, alway tried to be positive and supportive. How could I be so terrible that I never see it. I'm always wondering what I am doing wrong, and he's they only person that tells me why. He tells me how I treat him mean, and I am stressed because I don't ask for his help. Yet, I feel like I am constantly asking for help. Last year I kind of gave up on fixing my house, my body, and everyday I try to at least take care of my mind. Anyhow, he did even notice except whining about not having sex like we used to. I think about killing myself almost daily, and killing him weekly. All I wanted was a place to myself, that was all mine. Now, I'm just getting thru each day, hoping I fell better tomorrow - it happens eve once in a while but it's better when he's not around. At this point, I don't even know whats keeping me from killing myself orwhat's keeping me from smoking. Hope
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