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I am very fortunate to have made it to my 30's. I spent the majority of my life as a drug addict with emotional problems and didn't sober up until I hit my late 20's. And I'm just very lucky to have made it this far.
Sometimes I forget how fragile I am. I think, "hey, you can do it, you've done it before". And it's true. But the thing it's missing is I don't have as much resiliency as I once had. I have to substitute in wisdom. I'm exercsigins a different muscle.
Whereas before I could simply power through after an all nighter, "get shit done", and not look back. Now I find I need to be much more careful with myself. I need to monitor my progress. Watch my feelings. Understand my behavior. Give myself some breathing room. Remember my endurance. Smile.
In short, now instead of simply blasting through on emotion and drive, I conciously choose to move forward.
Those same flights of fancy I had as a child (and I consider most of my 20's as childlike irresponsibility) I have as an adult. They are still there. The mornings I wake up and simply want to drive away until my problems are in the rear view mirror. Or the days when my lust for conquest seems unquenchable. Or when I'm unnecessarily mean spirited, rude to others, or uncaring - just becuase I don't feel well. Those are all signs. Those are all instances of the same emotional problems I had earlier - the problems I use to blast through with drug use and limitless energy.
Those mental flights of fancy, my personal moments of craziness, they still exist. I am still not the mental rock I wish I was. I must remember my own limitations, my own diseases, my personal demons. So that I can better keep them in check.
Life is an amazing challenge.
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