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I hate going to bed. The silence of the world only invites a cacophony of self-doubt and hatred powered by the glow of a cell phone. Who is she talking to? Are they better than us? What do we as a mass of thoughts and feelings have that could make everyone else seem insignificant to her? We are everything to her she says, she praises us daily. Her gratitude shown through her smile and by the light in her eyes. There is no greater threat to this relationship than us. The voices that grab on to the littlest face twitch or change in her voice and transform such inconsequential things into Goliaths of doubt. We love her. We love her so much, too much, she's suffocating under the constant reassurance of love that we give her. Chill out she says, she knows we love her, she doesn't need to hear it every five minutes and yet we say it every five minutes because it's true. Our love for her is ever-present. We want her to know how grateful we are for her. The other one ruined us. The cunt. The bitch who took our idea of trust and ruined it. Trust is a house you build together and I spent three years building that house only to find out that the foundation was built on sand from the desert of that bitch's vanity. I should have ended it time and time again, but I didn't. Sending the married man a picture of her in the tub should have been it. Snapping fuckboys pictures of her tits should have been it. Changing the fuckboys names to girl names in her phone so I wouldn't know should have been it.Telling me i should be more grateful to fuck her because other guys tell her all the time they want to fuck her should have been it.We didn't want her to be lonely or sad. The same thing that we did with the previous relationship. We care too much. We put in so much work every day to show others they were loved and we were given fuck all in return. Not this time, now we have a person who genuinely loves us and we are ruining it with this self-doubt. How fucking dare we think that she would be unfaithful to us, even for a split second. You deserve to fucking die for thinking that, I say to myself. This girl, this fucking angel of a human is the only decent human you've met and you worry that she will look to another for attention? She gives you permission to go through her phone to silence your fears and still you prattle on with your doubt. You think she would leave you for some asshole that sends a dick pic as their first line of flirting? I fucking hate you! I fucking hate you! I fucking hate you! This relationship is not the one you were just in. This is not that! This will never be that! Don't drive her away with your insecurities and just shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! This has been every night for the past two months. I love her, but I fucking hate myself.
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Wow, Man I am right here with you but on the reverse side. How to be in a healthy relationship after so many unhealthy ones? I made a huge mistake with mine. Keep doing what you're doing, tell those silent screams to go away, and trust her with all you've got. Also try speaking with her about your past. Maybe allowing her to understand where you come from will help her understand your trust issues. I wish I could turn the clock back and write all the bad thoughts I had, i pushed him away, don't push her away trust her and push the insecure self-loathing thoughts away. She sounds amazing, and so do you! Good luck
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