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She is alone.
Or she only feels lonely. She has a big and loving family. She has friends, hobbies. She is a student at a university. Her life sounds great, but it is not. She is lonely. To an outsider she may seem okay, or that she is all rays of sunshine. However, to herself, an insider, there is a storm brewing and she feels it is just the beginning. It seems she is ready to burst at any given moment. She wants that to happen, it means that she will forget about it sooner and live on as if nothing ever happened. She wants it, but life is tricky and it doesn't always happen the way she wants it. It will get worse before it will get better. The storm is brewing and there is a big chance of a hurricane that will destroy everything on its path.
She is confused.
All these different emotions are making her chest ache. She does not understand. Sometimes it is difficult to breathe, or there is something inside of her, that wants to get out, but her chest is a cage, and it is keeping this something inside. All of this is so confusing to her and hard to put into words. She wishes that life could be easier, without the battle, that is going on inside. She sometimes wants everything to stop so that she could just breathe, without her thoughts messing with her. They always say some nasty stuff. How she is not the most interesting person, the smartest person, or that she is not the most beautiful person. She believe in these things. She knows that this is the truth. Even if someone says something differently, she will nod, but she will not believe it. She believes herself to be no one of importance. She is just a shell that takes up some place in this universe. She wishes that she could just talk to someone.
She is afraid.
Scared of talking to someone. She is weak in that sense. It takes a lot of strength to look up into someone’s eyes and tell them what is troubling you. Unfortunately, strength is something she lacks in. Telling someone is admitting you have a problem and she is not ready for that step. She is afraid of opening up to somebody and then them turning away from her, of looking at her in disgust and saying nasty things to her. It has already happened. When she just started opening up to people, then after some time they turned away from her, thought of excuses not to talk to her and forget her, as if all that time they have spent meant nothing. The part of saying nasty things? She has already low self-esteem, no self-worth. She is already thinking of these things about herself, no need to say it aloud. No one knows what will happen with her, when that happens. She is afraid of asking for help
She needs help.
She accepts that now. Understands that she will not be able to get through this alone. And maybe there is a chance she will be a better person when this is all over. She has the chance to start with a blank page, to stop listening to those thought, to start appreciating herself more. This is an opportunity that she won’t waste. Because after the horrible storm destroys everything, people build something from the scratch, stronger then it was and move on with their lives.
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