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I love you so much!
And it´s scary because I don´t know who you are, I don´t even know if you exist, and the truth is if I ever found you, I wouldn´t know what to do. I would just fall. I would fall for everything about you. Every little thing, and you would break my heart without even knowing it. I would be so unbelievably happy, and 100% terrified. You would start to notice it. The small insecurities, the small nervous ticks. The ragged breath, the water filling my eyes, and heavy heartbeat. I would tell you nothing is wrong, that I have to go do something. You will hear this excuse several times, because, I don´t want to tell you the truth. I don´t want to stand up to you. I don´t want to ruin our friendship. A friendship that I never thought I could have with a person like you. You would start to wonder, what is going on with me, why I suddenly stopped laughing as much, why I keep making up excuses, why I stop being myself.
I would just beg that you didn´t notice these small things. But of course you did, of course, you did notice because that´s the type of person you are. A loving, caring, person. One that I am afraid to lose.
One day you would look at me, deep into my eyes, and I would know what you were thinking. It would get so nervous. My vision will get blurry, and my stomach will knot in pain. You would say my name, with such care, and you would tell me to please look at you, to tell you what´s bothering me. I wouldn´t be able to. I would ruin what we have. So I just take a deep breath, look at you and tell you that I am ok, and turn around to leave, as I always do when things get too hard.
But this time you would tell me not to go. You would take a deep breath and tell me "Please, I know something is wrong, and I'm here to help". The tears that have been on the brink of shedding, would at this point be running down my cheeks like a waterfall, but I would not shed a sound.
I would just say to you "Can we just forget this, because it´s stupid, and it´s nothing".
I would feel you walking up behind me, and I would start to shake, shake with fear of the stupid truth coming out. I want to leave but for some reason, i can´t move, I can´t say anything, I can only think of how much I love you, and how scared I am to lose you. You turn to stand in front of me, and I can´t move my eyes from the floor. There wasn´t much to look at, the carpet was pretty plain, but I just couldn´t face you. You couldn´t see my eyes but somehow you knew I was crying, so you did the thing I feared second most.
You wrapped your arms around me, and pulled me in close, and held me there as I was shaking, and crying. The only thing that was going through my head was that I was so stupid, so childish, so immature, and how could he ever love me. How could anyone ever love me in that way? You would pull me tighter towards you as if you could feel that I needed it.
Later on, you will discover my true secrets, my love for you, my fear of being too in love, my fear of you friend zoning me, my fear of being inexperienced at the age of nineteen. You would see all of me, everything, and you will likely be overwhelmed and weirded out unless you are facing the same problem. The same insecurities.
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