What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). More resources.
I don't particularly want to kill myself. That's not the answer. But the thought in my head repeats over and over again. "You should be dead". It would be easier if you were dead. Nobody cares. Nobody likes you. Nobody would miss you.
I know that's not true. I know there are people that would miss me. I know there are people that like me. I just don't feel it. I just don't feel liked or worthwhile. I don't feel like anybody really gives a shit. I find myself overcompensating, trying to make myself more likable. Trying to fit in. Trying to be the center of attention and the comedian.
Does it work? I don't know. I don't think so. It doesn't feel authentic.
I don't feel funny. I don't feel well liked or loved or much of anything. I just feel sick. I feel worn out. I feel used up. I feel like I just wish I had a couple close friends that I could go do things with. I wish I just had something that I was interested in. Something that I want to do. Something that I love to do, something that keeps me interested. I don't hate life. I still have moments of fun, but it's always overshadowed by "it would be easier if you were dead". I know it wouldn't. I don't want to die. I just don't want to exist.
I can't tell my wife. I don't ever want her to think this is because of her. It's not. She's fantastic. Our daughter is beautiful and smart and that's why don't want to die. I want to see her grow up and be wonderful. But I'm sick. My head is sick. There are things in there that I need to let out. And I don't know how to do it. And I'm sick to my stomach, and feeling like I'm teetering on the edge of falling off a cliff.
I can't tell anybody at work. I could never tell anybody at work. It would be the end of my career. Anybody who is mentally unstable certainly can't be a paramedic. I can't hold licensure.Can't be around controlled substances. I'd be labeled the crazy one. Nope. Can't do that.
The way they treat people with mental issues at the hospital is ridiculous. It's cruel. "Put him in the room, lock the door. Make him sit on the bed in shitty paper scrubs." Watching through the observation window. Maybe a dose of meds if things are crazy. I'm not that bad, I don't think. But I certainly would never seek the hospital for help. I would rather be anywhere else.
I don't think this is PTSD. I don't think this is related to my job as a paramedic. I still love being a paramedic. Really, it's one of the only times I feel happy. When I feel like I'm in control. When I feel like I make a difference and people need me. I couldn't give that up. I can't.
I'm going to see a therapist tomorrow. Maybe that'll help. I don't know though, I feel like it's pretty close to witchcraft. It's gobbledygook. It doesn't make me feel any better, it's just a way to waste an hour. And, deep down I know that therapist doesn't really care. I'm just another appointment in the book.
I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to. I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
I might be of help..idk. I.like listening but idk..its up to you. Ladyinlincoln@gmail. I've spoke to another person...idk if I helped but its nice to know someone is there and not necessarily gaining anything else by chatting and listening. O could listen. It makes me sad how they feel about mentally unstable people in the hospital though. Yikes.
Hope your day is better.
I know I just went on a crying jag today. Urg. I felt uneasy and unworthy... But again...it could be the devil. The devil is always at the ready to mess with our minds, confuse and torment.
Lisa
ReplyI feel somehow the same as you, i want something that keeps me interested but i ditch everything at the second i try them, and i also don't hate like but i wish i never existed. I feel somehow your pain and i wish for you to control those emotions and get them out of your mind, kick them out, let them die. You are certainly one number in the therapist's apointment but who knows, maybe listening to her could change something in you. I wish you the very best.
ReplyDude, stay strong. Keep being a paramedic and spend time with your daughter. If you enjoy feeling like you're doing good for people, maybe take her to some volunteer events. And therapists do care. I'm not a therapist, but I kind of want to be, just because I want to help people. listen, getting a license in medical health takes a lot of work and determination, so it's unlikely that they would go through all that work if they didn't truly care about people. Unless you get a really shitty one, but that is unlikely. I can't wait for your life to start looking up, but until then, find one small thing at a time and just keep going, even if it's only to spite that demon telling you that you should be dead, because it's obviously an idiot. Best of luck, my brother!
Reply