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I nearly had sex for the first time today. As I laid there and felt his hands on me, our bodies intertwinnied it could have gone either way. He wasn't wearing a condom so I didn't want to, but I wanted to- I really did. And I asked myself why not, what would change if I did considering all that we had done so far. But I've been waiting to do it with someone who loves me, not just someone I've met only a few weeks ago, and today for the first time in person. This really made me question what I'm doing, and how reckless I've been with my life and now my health. I just feel like there is a gaping hole inside me and it's slowly consuming my life and my ability to enjoy or feel anything. I'm so scared that I'm going to lose everything to this feeling, but I can't seem to find a way out. My motivation is gone, and I'm not sure what I want or even if I want anything in life. All I know is that i don't want to die or to disappoint my family after they have sacrificed so much for me. I just question why I have no direction, and how I could put everything on the line like this. I'm afraid to tell anyone this like my dad, because I don't want to disappoint him, but he knows I'm unhappy. Otherwise I don't think I really have anyone else to tell, or who may be there.
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Pushing further and selfish life for starters gets you to find out what your own boundaries are and discover your true self. Along the way, you may garner karma. This will be your life's work and through realization of that, along with self honestly and clarity, you may also discover your life's path and soul mission. Forgiveness will be strong point that will help you not only free yourself from your own limitations but be kinder to those around you as well. Ultimately, judgement is ego's favorite tool.
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