What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). More resources.
Sometimes you just kinda stay sad I guess.
My wife left me Christmas eve 2015. I never really stopped being sad. I'm most ashamed of how I handled it at first. I was stationed overseas for a few years (in the military) and so was she. She was in one country, me another. When we got married we finally got the opportunity to live together stateside. She got there six months before I did.
At some point, I began to suspect she had found someone else, but I pushed it aside and choose to trust her. I had known her since middle school, how could I not trust her?
Well then I got there, and she left me a few weeks later for the upstairs neighbor.
I was so angry, and confused, and distraught. I was already dealing with depression at that point. Just when I needed her most, and when what we had been planning for for so long came to fruition, she left.
The super duper weird thing about about failing to kill yourself is the confusion right after. I tried to use an old rifle I had bought years ago because it's what I had ammo for. It was my first time firing it and I found out the firing pin was broken. There was a minuet or so of disbelief that I didn't feel anything.
I put the rifle away and cried for a few hours before driving myself to a parking lot in town to sleep. I spent a few days sleeping there, she had kicked me out of the apartment I paid for a few days prior and I had no money to get another.
I told her about it sometime later. She gave me that hand gun I got her for Christmas and told me to try again. I know it was a heat of the moment thing, and we were just arguing and she didn't mean it. But it still sticks with me to this day.
We got divorced a short time later and she was remarried before the decree even arrived in my mailbox.
About a year later I found she had become pregnant, but failed to come to turn. The idea that not only did she leave me but was pregnant before I was even divorced wrecked me.
A few months after I found out it was mine, she knew, and planned on never telling me. Her name would've been Mila.
I don't hate her. Not anymore, and I wish the best for her. Some of it must have been my fault. I must not have been good enough. Or gave her enough attention. Or I don't know, failed at something.
It's been over a year and half now, but sometimes I just don't wake up right. I don't feel suicidal before. I've also never told anyone but her I tried before either. I think I was scared they might say the same thing or look down on me or worry too much.
I just figured it was time I said something somewhere. I don't know what to feel. I've seen her around a few times, but I always leave where ever she is when I do. I'm a little scared of her. I'm just tired of caring about it. I just figured that I'd be moving on by now. Maybe started casually dating or something.
As much as I don't love her anymore. I still love her. It's weird. I want her to be happy. I don't know if I miss her, or miss being with someone I trust though. A little bit of both.
I just want to feel like everything is going to be alright again. I'm tired of pretending that nothing gets to me. I'm tired of wearing a mask like a younger angstier me would say. Maybe one day I'll look back and think that I don't know. Anything.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
My Husband didn't do any wrong...
An 8 hours of well paid job that involves dealing with children all the time, continuous communication of various sorts, and many more, constant vigilance of...
-
Infidelity
I don't want to lose my wife before we even get married. I don't want to lose my family before I even have one. I'm still trying to deal with my pain. I don't k...