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As I sit here, on a Sunday night, in one of my school's libraries, studying for an exam thats in less than 12 hours...
Honestly, I've written a big portion of this as a Facebook status for my private life and friends... but I feel like I need another medium to get out everything I feel and I needed it to be anonymous and not so bothersome for my social media. So here I am.
Just a warning before I post, my grammar is horrible. I hope most of you can see past that and most importantly, I hope other females (or people in general) can see the message and lesson behind my story and feel inspired and empowered.
I had a very close friend, a male friend. And as some male-female friendships go, there were some feelings at first and things got romantic for a little bit. But, as COLLEGE relationships go, we agreed that things wouldn't work out if we were to date.. at least thats the excuse that he gave me. The typical "we go to different schools and long distance is just not for me"- yeah we've all heard this before and I got rid of the feelings I had for him.
And we definitely had our ups and downs after that. He had broken my heart when he decided to leave our friendship for his ex-girlfriend, I had some possession and jealousy issues, he would treat me like garbage and I had done the same multiple times.
I told myself maybe we were terrible to each other at times because we were afraid of admitting what we truly felt? Maybe it was all in my head... who knows?
But after we settled these differences and feelings, a beautiful friendship emerged. We became close friends, you know where he'd call me if he was stressed or if he got a little too drunk for his own good. We knew how to make each other laugh, we knew how to just chill and have a good time, we knew how to make each other happy, or at least he made me happy. Things were definitely complicated, but, to me, it was a really great, close bond we shared.
So, on a random night, when he is drunk, he starts a conversation with me. He tells me that he would've loved the high school version of myself and that he would've dated me back in high school. Not only had we not known each other in high school, but he only had a couple pictures for reference.
Backtracking, I lost a great amount of weight and got very fit and strong from powerlifting around my junior and senior year of high school. Since then, I've gained a lot of it back due to college and just life, but in NO WAY am I unhealthy again. I still work out, try to eat right, and I can definitely still run a mile pretty easily haha.
Moving on, I had no idea what he was talking about, as this was never really something we seriously discussed. So I asked him what he meant by that. He beat around the bush for a little bit, then typed something along the lines of
"Okay obviously if you were skinny Id date you and love you but youre not and thats life hate myself byeee"
Not only that, but he said things like
"Im not saying I want you to change for me but thats just what I would need for me to be romantically with you"
"Id change for you"
"I love you as a friend and I love who you are but just not more than that"
"you can't deny the feelings between us"
"have you ever wondered why it takes me so long to finish (in bed)"
The audacity right? He told me to get rid of MY feelings for him.. so what feelings was he talking about? I had none. And why would you sleep with someone if you weren't physically attracted to them?
And what was even more confusing was that we DID have a romantic relationship at first. So he could have a romantic relationship with me if it was on the down-low, but because I'm bigger than I used to be, I can't publicly be in a relationship with him? Typical.
But, it gets even BETTER.
The next morning, I expected him to either never talk to me again, or apologize (he hadn't done so the night of). I told myself if he didn't apologize to me by noon, I would reach out to him so he could apologize to me for the disrespect. Noon hit and when I demanded an apology from him, he starts an argument and tells me things like
"that's why I left you for my ex [...] shes half your size"
"strong independent fat women"
lol really, lol.
Then, he finally calls me to apologize. He says "hey" and laughs and giggles as if nothing had happened the past 12 hours. After he seriously apologized, I broke down and cried and screamed at him out of frustration, and maybe I shouldn't have shown him that moment of weakness, who knows.
During our first argument, I said to him
"you're just mad because I didn't react the way you wanted me to"
He said
"I expected you to react like the cunt you are"
So I'm a cunt, but if I was a skinnier cunt, he would've dated me? Makes complete sense.
I'm not offended at the fact that he was calling me fat or whatever. Sad to say, but as a female, growing up you hear all types of insults and the word "fat" has been thrown at me since I was a CHILD from family, friends, strangers... it goes on. He wasn't the first and won't be the last. I've even heard backwards insults like
"youre losing weight too fast"
"Youre too muscular" (honestly this is a compliment lol)
That doesn't hurt me because I love myself the way I am and I know that I am capable of losing weight or bettering myself in any way that I put my mind to, emphasis on I.
I was more upset at the fact that he thought it was okay to say those things to me, a friend. And it made me backtrack to the excuses he spewed out of his dirty mouth when I asked him why we couldn't be officially together. All. Lies.
So to wrap this up, this part is for you, *****. You know who you are.
I am honestly thankful and grateful that this experience happened pretty early in our friendship. Not only did this expose me to how nasty and toxic you are, but it made me realize that I am worth so much more than you will ever be. At one point, I was really in love with you, or at least who I thought you were. I cared about you, picked up every phone call, replied to every text, would think about how your day is going, learned songs you liked, picked up your habits, tried so hard for you to like me, took you back in to my life after all of your fuck-ups... And what did you do? You used me and crushed me when I was vulnerable, and when things got a little inconvenient for you, you spit out how you really felt... for what? Did you think that I would happily lose weight for you so you could be my boyfriend? Change for you so that you'd want to be with me? Did you think that a skinnier version of me would be a better girlfriend?
I'm not saying that you can't have opinions about me or want to change for someone you love. I have some strong opinions on you too and I've done some crazy stuff for my past boyfriends. But for you to think it was okay to say those things to me, drunk or SOBER, thats where you have it wrong. That was the greatest overstepping of our friendship boundaries and just plain disrespectful.
And it's really sad because even now, I'll think about the good times we had and the memories I have of you, and I really contemplate if you aren't the genuine person I once thought you were. Do you remember how happy I used to get just driving around and listening to music? Or when you told me that I was pretty in Korean? Our Frank's rendez-vous? Or the times you told me your aspirations and goals as a person? All I can remember is how proud I️ was of being in your life and how amazing you seemed. Those little moments all mattered the world to me. Sometimes I just want to pick up the phone and text you hoping that the person who I thought you were would reply. Its like I'm holding on to the good parts cuz I'm afraid of letting you go. I want to believe, so badly, that you are the funny, sweet, intelligent person I first met at that Starbucks in December. I bitch and lash out at you but it really pains me to end our friendship, it really does. So much that it makes me cry every time I think about it.
So much that I almost regret it.
But what I also know is that no man or woman's love is EVER worthy of unhealthy change. And you showed me, indirectly, the strong support system I have from REAL family and friends. That I am worth so much more than just how my body looks or what my body has to offer.
You of all people should know that I've had my fair share of terrible men using me for my body and how much I care for people who matter to me. Cheaters, liars, users, I've seen them all. But you, by far, were the worst. You twisted and rang out my heart and soul of all these feelings and pretended to be something you weren't. I opened some of the biggest vulnerabilities to you expecting you to still care about me and understand my inner issues. Instead, you wasted my time and made me look like a complete fool. The biggest disrespect I've ever faced. Was this all some sick game to you?
My sweet boy, I want you to know that I forgive you for what you said and did to me, I do. But I will NEVER forget it. I will never forget the fact that you are just as superficial, surface-level, and disrespectful as all of the men in my life who have disappointed me. I will never forget the fact that you loved me but not the fact that I was fat, which is a part of me. I will never forget that you lied to me and used me. Even if, by the grace of God, we somehow become friends again, I will never ever forget it and things will never be the same.
I wish nothing bad to happen to you and I really hope that you can reflect on your mistakes and the flaws you carry. I hope that you at least REGRET losing me as a friend, but maybe you won't. I'm not sure on anything anymore. Did I even know you?
I want you to know that I would've been the BEST girlfriend, friend, ANYTHING you ever had because I was a genuine person and I loved you with all of my heart. And I hope that haunts your conscious for the rest of your life. When YOU have a wife, girlfriend, or a daughter who is struggling with name-calling, fat shaming, body image, I hope that you remember that YOU once contributed to that exact problem. The amount of pain and humiliation that it brings. How much it eats away at people's souls. How disgusting you are.
I also can't help but remind you that you have no one but yourself to blame. Not one time after our initial talk did I ever express any feelings or want of being together. Not once did I ever ask you to change for me. Not once did I ever decline a call or shut you down when you were upset, even if we weren't on good terms. All I did was open myself up and let you in to my life, and you toyed around with it. From start to finish, this is your fault. You called me self-righteous? Well maybe I am. But that doesn't take the blame out of your hands.
Finally, I want you to know that when this first happened, I thought of elaborate ways to ruin your life. I thought of showing up to your house and showing your mother the disgusting shit you said to me. I thought of emailing your schools ROTC program and demanding that something happen to you. I wanted to slash your tires, find you in person and fight you; so many things. But I've realized that there is no competition and beef between you and me. I simply will not entertain that drama, because to you, that'll still mean that you have some sort of leverage over me. I want it to be clear that I am over this situation, over our friendship, and over you. And one day, if you cross me in the street, I pray you get scared and hide. Who knows, maybe I'll lose a dramatic amount of weight again in the future. Maybe I'll just gain more. But just know that you will watch my life from the outside looking in, and I promise you that you will constantly regret ruining our friendship and building it on lies. That you never really loved me at my lowest and thus, you will NEVER be able to love me at my highest.
Have a great life and I really hope you change.
**** Updates *****
So a couple days after I posted this on Facebook, he has to nerve to post a poem on his snapchat story. He was always a writer, and a good one, so of course I had to read it.
It said the following:
What is it you regret more?
Things you've done or things you haven't.
Perhaps one is better than the other,
perhaps not.
Regret is but the product of our own action or inaction.
Something fabricated from translucent senses of value or ethics.
Something that only ever comes from within
and which begets a desire to go back.
Change what was, thus change what is.
Is it possible? The choice is yours.
Only you can conquer time.
Maybe I'm just going mental... but that has to be about me, right?
If it is, ***** here is my reply.
Right now, I'm listening to a song called RIP by Olivia O'Brien. You should listen to it, because it's exactly how I feel about you. "RIP to the old you, it's like you're dead to me now. I would've never let you down, like you did to me. Now you're dead to me."
Moving on, I'm not sure if you are suggesting that I regret what happened between us. If that is the case, I want you to know that I do not regret it, at all.
I'm mostly going to assume that you are talking about your own regrets as to what happened. Yeah, thats what we are going to roll with.
You are right, regret is a product of your actions or lack of. This feeling of regret you feel, that is the direct result of YOUR actions. I'm happy that you're expressing these feelings, very happy. But, sorry to break it to you, the choice is not yours. You will not and cannot come back in to my life, not right now at least. There is no "changing what was, thus what is" because you cannot change the truth. Your truth.
Finally, I want to let you know that when I first read this poem on your story, I felt NOTHING.
Actually that is a lie, I did feel something. I felt immediate relief and happiness. Seems to me that you're at least regretting and reflecting on your mistakes and flaws, which is exactly what I wanted. If your objective was for me to feel any nostalgia, sadness, regret, etc... I did not. Maybe I wanted to myself, because I kept reading it over and over again. But each and every time I did, I felt more desensitized to it. Wow, crazy. I am actually and finally over you.
Thank you for reading.
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