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"If you fall apart again, I'm leaving for good."
Those words pierced my heart. What was already shattered felt like another piece of my heart had broken off.
I managed to live another day, but I can't take this anymore. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? All these nights of tears and blood spewing everywhere.
"Stay with me", I said.
He said, "Not until you figure out how to love yourself. We can't be together then. All you give me is darkness and I've already given all my sunlight away. It's for the better of us"
What he still doesn't understand that if he would just stay.. I would be okay.
When I first met him, I fell in love with his personality. We were both mentally unstable people who eventually fell head to tails for each other because we were able to love each other when we couldn't love ourselves. We felt like we were the only people who understood each other and we found comfort in that.
He has a gentle, smooth, soothing voice. The kind that you hear and immediately feel calm and okay. He likes music, all kinds, even country. He walks funny on the streets on purpose, saying he broke his leg, but really he's just trying to make me laugh. He goes long distances just to see me for a few hours. Just to get me something I need. His laugh. Ahh. Whenever I hear it, I can't help but smile and laugh too. It gathers all the happiness and love in my heart and makes me feel like the happiness girl on the planet.
I know him as that. Those memories never fading away. Always serving as whats left of those pieces of sunlight inside me.
Then there are those horrible, bad times that I wish I could go back in time and change. But, no. No matter how many times I wish history could change, I won't. Even if I say sorry a thousand times. It won't.
We leave each other. Come back. Tell one another that we hate each other. Then a few hours later, say "I love you" to each other. Get back. And does the same thing again and again. I'm sorry I'm not an normal person who can be happy all the time and smile and laugh through the hard times. I'm sorry I'm actually a mentally unstable person diagnosed with severe depression and not taking my pills because I hate them. I'm sorry I have to be so difficult all the time. I'm sorry I cry for hours non-stop and ignore his messages because every time I read them, it hurts me. I'm sorry these scars on my arms are getting worse by the second. I'm so sorry. I really am.
I can't live without him. It's true.
But embarrassing and pitiful.
These sleeping pills are still waiting for me every time he hurts me on purpose. Every time I remember him telling me he doesn't care anymore, doesn't love me, doesn't want this anymore. Then comes back and says the opposite. What exactly does he mean? I'm confused but he won't talk to me. Says its better if he keeps his feelings and thoughts to himself because it would hurt me if he told me about them. What hurts more is him not telling me in the first place. This is the main reason why I feel hurt. This is why our relationship doesn't have communication. This is why it's so hard. He doesn't understand that though.
We got back together from yesterday night's breakup.
I begged and poured out all my heart and soul in convincing him to stay.
"I'll be okay if you say yes", I repeated over and over.
He says to me, "If you want me to just say yes, then okay. Yes, I'll stay. But, if you fall apart again, I'm leaving for good. I want you to be okay if I don't say yes too".
Through the phone, I'm crying silently. Hoping he doesn't hear because all he wants is for me to be okay. So I told myself I'll pretend. I still am. But I'm not okay. How can I be okay after the love of my life leaves me?
It's okay. I'll just pretend.
"Fake it till you make it", they say.
I love you, S.Y.
- R.Z.
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Wow, well written. Just wanted to let you know, this pain you are feeling is very human of you. It won't go away anytime soon unfortunately, but you are living and feeling and that sadness will go away eventually. Hang in there! Ask your family about love lost. You'll be surprised how well they can relate.
ReplyHey. It's okay not to be okay, but you must know: depression is a state of mind. It starts in your head, it ends in your head. Right now, you're thinking that he's everything, but tomorrow everything will be different. Maybe the depression is making you feel worse off, but once you meet this "right person" you'll feel, at least, slightly better. You're stronger than what you think. You can cope with this. One of the best way to do this is to discuss it with someone who you know thoroughly understand you and will support you throughout. I'm wishing you a great recovery. Know that someone out there, including me, cares about you, and is rooting you to be well.
All the love. D
ReplyI want you to know that you're amazing and even tough you are very depressed you have encouraged me. You have such a big heart. Stay in there.
Reply