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So today I finally got my results for the second midterm for my calculus class. I ended up with a 56.5%. However, I ended up getting so much bitter when I heard how well others did. As a matter of fact, there's this one girl in the class who I've admired and at the same time felt an urge to surpass. We sometimes talk to each other and at the same time I feel like I want to do better than her. She's beautiful and smart, and she's really nice. However, I feel so bitter when I asked her how well she did. She told me she got 77%. That's when I started to really feel bitter towards her. Not just her, but to most of my classmates who did so good. I know it's not good to think like that, but I can't help it. I just can't help but feel bitter towards her and all the others who scored so well on the exam. Me, I feel like I'm one of the stupidest people and wonder how did I even survive. There are times when I just feel like saying "I hate you" but instead I end up just bottling my feelings inside mainly because I don't want to say something stupid or anything. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I just feel so bitter towards her and so many others how must have done well. I even said to her, "That's nice, you'll make it out of this class alright.", but at the same time I just feel so bitter towards her and all my words seem to come out hollow.
My Finals are coming up and I keep thinking to myself that If I do good on this one, then I'll be happy. But then again, I keep getting this feeling of wanting to do better than everyone, and even her. Hell, she has a B currently and I'm sitting between a C and a B-. I just can't help it, I wanna do better, but now I'm just thinking about all of these negative thoughts about her and all the others in class. I just want to do better while at the same time be happy with what I've done. Hell, what if I do get a B in the end, but she ends up getting an A. I won't help but feel no matter what, I'm just inferior to her and so many others. It's because of thoughts like those I'm hoping she fails and I do better.
It's wrong I know, and I believe me I don't hold anything against her. I just feel so damn bitter right now that I just can't seem to focus. Is it wrong for me to feel so bitter against her and everyone else? Is it wrong to wish that she and the others do bad in the final so that I feel good about myself? Should I just forget I even met her and wish I never ended up meeting her in the class? It's questions like those that keep making me wonder what to do with these kinds of feelings. Sorry if I sound like a weirdo, and I don't blame any of you for thinking that. I just want to do really good on my finals without comparing myself to others, but it's hard to when I have these feelings of bitterness inside me.
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