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It's been a hard life. 3 or 4 years ago, my fathers fought in front of me, they yelled, they broke things. My brother had to go and interfere, I tried to ignore all I could by playing with my 3Ds. It didn't work, my father leaved the house. I cried and I experienced a pain I've never felt before, my life was simple before that. A few months after, we moved from our house to a smaller one. I found out that everything happened because my father cheated on my mother, I never thought he would do that, they always seemed so happy. I ignored as much as I could and continued with school, I was happy there, I had friends. More months passed, and we moved to the United States. Everything went down from there. They put me in a public school, the kids would look at me with weird expressions, and it was worse when I tried to talk to them, they would ignore me. It hurt. I made two friends, a friendly girl who talked spanish quite well, and another boy who was nice enough. Fortunaly (I guess), I knew how to speak english pretty well, but it didn't help. I could understand what other kids would say, things like *Do you even understand her? She speaks like a retarded kid haha* or *Look at her, she is so ugly!*. I tried to ignore all of that, but I was always excluded. Then my physical condition got worse, I didn't got fat, but I couldn't run or exercise without being tired as hell. We kept moving from town to town. We ended up on Kansas, oh bloody hell... I had no friends. Only a kind girl who sometimes talked to me because we lived near. I also tried to talk to them, but I was extremly shy, and my insecurities began growing more and more. I was always excluded, without exception. Nobody would talk to me, or even look at me. And when they did, it hurt so much. I couldn't stand it, and I cried almost everytime I got back from school. Worse thing was, my parents were always working, even though their relationship seemed to get better, I couldn't forget what had happened. After a full year of suffering for me, we moved to Texas. It wasn't as bad, I thought, a new life! My college had hispanic people like me, and all of them were girls, so it was easier. I had a small group of 5 girls, there was one that I specially respected, she was so nice and cute. But as my english grade was better, I didn't saw them as much in other classes, but sometimes we went on the bus together. It was fun to be with them. I also had a really nice cousin there who helped me on the school. But the stares never went aways, I didn't take care of how I looked, my hair was always messy and I always had the same plain black jacket. I started feeling hollow, angry and sad. I stopped being happy. I never knew why, I thought things were better, but it seemed like it was all coming back. Half a year passed, we moved back to Mexico. I was excited, maybe I could be back to my old life! I went to another college, and I found out three of the kids that were on my old school were there. One of them was a short blond guy, who never seemed to grow up both mentally and physically. The other one was also a quite short girl with curly hair, and then there was a closer friend. A really tall boy with blue eyes and quite light hair. I thought he would talk to me, he didn't. He'd just stare at me, and if I saw he was doing it, he would quickly turn back. Why? Why did he do that? Did he forgot about me? I then found out the other kids did the same... It was worse than the United States. Much worse. I couldn't let myself talk to people. I looked at myself in the mirror, terrified at what I looked like. I was ugly. Damn, just writing this hurts. Then a kinda round girl started to talk to me, she had curly hair. But she was incredibly metrosexual. She'd always talk about how good her butt was. I just listened to her, and her stories. But she'd never listened to me... I stopped talking to her, and two other girls started to talk and listen to me. There was one with brown hair, she was also kinda round but much taller. She was so full of joy and energy. Then another one, with blonde hair and green eyes followed her, damn, she was a true beauty, and still is. They were always nice. Then we hit next year. The joyful girl changed school, so I stayed with the blondie. But a girl from a different group joined us, I never minded as she was nice to me. And I hanged out with her and the blondie. I was happy. Very happy. I finally felt good. But, another girl came in, a shorter one. The blondie who was also my best friend, started ignoring me, and talked with much more joy to the other short girl, I guess she had reasons, as I was always quite and more of a listener. Though we also had our good times, but just when we were alone. I tried to ignore that, again. But one damned day, I was walking alongside my best friend, and the shorter girl was on the other side, she moved so fastly as I got to her side to talked to the shorter girl. I forgot how pain felt like. It hit my chest so hard with emotions. I stopped talking to my best friend, but she didn't seem to mind. Then, after a while, the tallest girl of our room started talking to me, she was nice and would listen to me, seemed good enough, but none could ever replace my best friend. After a while, she started talking to the round bitch, (sorry to not mention, but we fought not just because she didn't listen to me, but because she made fun of me and would push me to do things I didn't want to) and I disliked that, but let my friend talk to her. One day, she asked me why we fought, I was so angry, as all of that day she'd ignored me by talking to the round bitch. I snapped at her with a *Why do you even care?*. Wrong move. She got angry at me and stopped talking to me. Of course I knew I had made a mistake, but I wasn't gonna say sorry, as she knew perfectly well how much I hated that round bitch, more like a fat bitch. I was alone. Alone as a human could be. I didn't have anybody, and my parents started to fight again, and I didn't have anyone to support me. I cried everynight, I started to feel hollow again. I questioned myself, was I that easy to change? How ugly am I? Am I truly a nice person? Why? Then, my father told me, he was gonna get divorsed, he cheated my mom again, and no, he was staying in town, and wasn't gonna go with that woman. I felt destroyed. Couldn't feel happy at anything, couldn't get out a genuine smile. But today it all went worse. My physics teacher was asking for some problems she had left to be done today. I didn't make them, I was too bussy crying and sleeping. I said I didn't make them, and as I sat behing two boys, I heard one of them whisper to the another, *Did you see the teacher's face when she sayed she didn't make them? Like, (I don't even know why I ask, she is so stupid!)* then they laughed. I almost cried, but I never did. When I came home, I felt shattered, why can't no one help me? It got worse, my mother told my brother to get some food. He got us some cakes, but the Mexican ones, not the sweet ones. When he was gonna pass mine, I almost dropped it, as I was lost in thoughts. He said between his teeth, angry *And you act like a retarded, keep doing your stupid things, idiot*. It hurts so much to write this, so so much. I just looked down and said thanks. I just want to kill myself, nobody understands, nobody gets the pain. Nobody cares. I wanna end it all, why must I suffer all of this? Did I do something bad in the past? How bad was it? Thanks for taking your time to read this. Hope you have a better day than mine, and a life without insecurities, pain and loneliness.
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Hey.
Its ok, many many many, people feel insecure while growing up, im an adult and i still do. Also many people come from broken homes, sadly its almost the norm.
But if you let all exterior things effect you, you will never be happy.
You have to start by loving and respecting yourself first. Then confidence will shine through and this is what people can see.
It doesnt even mattr that much what others think but you must love and care for yourself, at the end of day no one cares about you. You must respect yourself.
Start by eating healthier that will make you feel better then eating junk food. Every day move around or go walking for at least 30 min this will release stress then take a shower and comb your hair and wear clean clothes.
Besides school put some time aside for hobbies reading painting or whatever.
Start writing your feelings daily in a journal dont bottle it up.
You will be ok.
You are beautiful.
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