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I hate how we fight, I hate that we do it so often, I hate that our pride gets in the way of us apologizing. I hate that we say sorry and do it again the next time. I keep expecting you to show up at my house after fight. I would go to yours but I don’t have a car so here I am waiting for text, for a call, for you to appear. Instead, I wait and I check my phone every 15 minutes to see if I missed a call. I didn’t. It’s starting to seem that I never do. However, I keep waiting every time, and I’m afraid that I’ll always wait. That scares me a little bit, scares me to think that I’m the only one waiting. I question if it’s normal to have this many doubts about our relationship. But just as I have doubts I have moments where I know exactly that this is what I want to do and where I want to be. In my heart I know what I want to listen to. But it’s true, what I want isn’t always what I need. Do I need this? Do I need to be questioning everything I do and worrying about everything I say? I wonder if he also has these questions or if it’s just me. I love him and I know he loves me but I wonder how much. I don’t know how to put it into words, what I feel. I can’t breathe, I have this knot in my stomach. I don’t want to sound repetitive but I worry. I worry if he’s upset at me, I worry if he has doubts, I worry if he’s had enough. I know I can be a lot to handle sometimes. I always tell myself to change to be different but I always come back to the same thing. I’m problematic, I have an attitude and I’m moody. I often wonder why he’s with me but I’m glad he is. He makes me a better person, he makes me a happy person. I would like to think he has changed me for the better. I don’t know what will become of me, as sad as it is to say, if he leaves me. Because that’s just it, isn’t it? No matter how many doubts, no matter how many fights, no matter how many things are said... I will never leave him. I know what I have and I’m grateful and I’m smart enough to know to stay by his side. Can I say the same for him? I used to think you were okay, I thought nothing was wrong. Then on September 1st he told me he was thinking of breaking up with me. I’ve never heard something so scary, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced something like that. We’re working on our relationship, we’re working on making things better. And yet I’m afraid he still has that thought in his mind.
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