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Being passive and not assertive enough fucking rots to the core, it hurts.
If i'm going to be assertive i'm going to have to forcefully rip open these personal opinions and feelings bottled over years and time that has rotted my mind, behavior, and personality. That i did to myself, my soul, my heart, & my mind. I abused them out of fear and because i didn't want to cause trouble or problems, i don't want to be a problem. I did it to not hurt my important people more than they already are, during that difficult time for me & them.
The things i felt from that was enough to twist me to who i am today.
From there on i became more passive, shapeless, less assertive, less emotional but full of emotions of sensitivity, more full of hate, more of self loathing but at the same time not, became depressed, more scared, full of pointless anxieties, less expressive of what i'd like and what i want. I gave up effort on me, but i put just enough to look decent or seem okay. I did it to not hurt them because they were my only source of standing on ground, a sort of base. Began to think what's the point of it anyways, it won't matter. It doesn't matter. It's not gonna make a different. I tried to open up just a little with my personal feelings and they already brushed it off as a its not a big deal. See, it doesn't matter. Each time i want to ask or tell, i'd tell myself would they say yes?
then i tell myself no,
it's fine forget it
because of fear.
People tell me to be assertive but it's not easy to quickly open after all i've been through & my condition mind. When i do on really personal matters i fear, shake, cry, try to speak but i shutter and shut my mouth. Not kidding this has happened on certain occasions. If i was assertive & confident then
this wouldn't have happened. Each time i become passive i want to die.
Crawl and rot in a hole. Through fear, self loathing, depression, & anxiety i've conditioned myself to abuse my soul. Being assertive to me is like exposing your precious and sensitive parts of you to those who can hurt you or not.
Even if you are the most kindest person ever, i won't ever open for you cause to me there are requirements to my heart and to convince myself that it's going to be okay.
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I know he's like a tight plastic bag that was double knotted.
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You don't try, it doesn't open.
You use force, it rips and breaks.
He has so many things troubling him. He cries at night. Tells me nothing is wrong the next day. I know he's lying. I just don't know what to do because he tells me he won't ever tell me what's wrong. He does it because he doesn't want to hurt me. I want to help. He doesn't know that it hurts me more when he doesn't tell me.
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