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It has been...a week. A heck of a one.
My endeavour to take a week off work to find some solace, some peace from my minds spiralling descent has been wrought with nothing but the complete opposite.
First, the headaches. They come and go. Once, twice, sometimes thrice a day. Painkillers are strewn everywhere around me, and I feel nothing but disgust at my relianace upon those pills to sooth the ringing, the echoeing tunnel.
Second, the cold. As if it wasn't enough to be ill with one thing. Robbed of sense as much as my brain has been robbed of oxygen, my decision making and responses to social situations have been poor to say the least. To the point where an awkward situation arose with the woman I have feelings for, and now i wonder if i have destroyed it all. You bloody fool, says the guilt, right on time. She would be better away from your cacophany of sadness and anxiety. She deserves better than that, than you.
Lastly is the worst, the flashbacks. A year ago this month I resumed self harming before ultimately trying to take my own life. It didn't take, and thankfully I survived. It has been a difficult year sinc, but i rebuilt myself, renewed my mind and soul. I, Phoenix from the ashes. Yet now, in the time I set aside to allow some peace from this morose anniversary, I can only see myself standing in front of the mirror with a knife, daring myself to wince with pain in an attempt to have some semblance of control. I blink and suddenly I am on the floor again, sobbing uncontrollably. I close my eyes to sleep and see the neat arrangement of my note to Mum, my diary, and my identification on the bed, awaiting the poor soul who would come upon mine corpse.
I awake to hear my funeral dirge of Johnny Cash's rendition of Hurt, and to once again feel the crushing choke as I struggle with the choice between giving in to the noose embrace or fighting to regain footing on the stool.
I refuse to be burdened with the past. I refuse to follow this same pattern, this same deadendmaze. I am no slave to what my mistakes I have made.
I just need to get through this hour.
This day.
This week.
This month.
This existance.
No worries.
Right?
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