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To Jonah:
6 years ago · 0
234
Jonah,
I want to express my feelings for you. This may be unwarranted, but I want you to know how I feel about you. If you dont feel the same way-- fine. Please dont share this with your friends. Dont laugh, or make a joke out of this... Im not trolling.
This is how I feel about you from when I met you to now.
I saw my therapist on Wednesday and we talked a lot of my feelings, my feelings for kiffer and my feelings for you, and I realized I genuinely like you... I realized I have genuinely liked you for a while now.
You might be thinking, "Leslie, I've known you liked me for a while, we have discussed this before. You literally told me you liked me on the Wednesday before last Wednesday..."
Yes. That is true.
But at this time, when we were in your car, I didnt take my feelings for you seriously. I thought I only liked you because you said you liked me first. I thought I only liked you because I was upset about my recent break up. I thought if you left Jada, I would only want to be with you for a short time, until I got bored of being with you... because even though I said I liked you, I didnt realize what those words meant or that I cared about you.
-------------
The first time I noticed you was when An was rude to me and I remember you were sitting to his left agreeding with him. I thought, "Sure, two attractive guys picking on the short, chubby girl..." and then you started hanging out with MY Tristen and Breden and I felt like I couldn't be around them if you were there. I started hanging out with Mitchell during lunch instead. Occasionally, I started hanging out with Tristen during lunch again and again I would pay you no attention. My opinion of you was awful. I genuinely hated you.
The next time I remembered I paid attention to you was the day after I streamed. Streaming was something I remembered I had talked about with Tristen and Breden and I dont remember if they were still in the program at this point, but I had forgotten you existed, until you came up to me and said, "hey I saw your stream"...I was sooooooo creeped out because I didnt recall telling you anything about it!
Anyways, flash forward, Jordan use to sit to my left on the second row. Then, Tristen and Breden left, he moved to the front. I wanted to sit next to him because he made me laugh. But of course you were there, which was something I wasnt really looking forward to-- sitting next to you-- but I wanted to sit with Jordan because I knew sitting next to Selvin was going to be so boring. Anyways the computer between you and Jordan didnt work so fml I had to sit in the wall chair next to you. I was really sad. I didnt know how to talk to you and I felt like all my interactions before then were me trying to be nice to you.
I dont know how we started talking but I started to realize that you werent awful to be around with. I started wanting to be around you more and more. I think this is when I developed a crush on you.
One of my favorite memories of year up is when we were bickering and Mr. Smith came in and he said, "Leslie, cant you see he is flirting with you?!" That was when you started the whole, "We are dating."
I thought it was humorous, so I went along with it. But to me it was all a joke. Maybe its because I have a low self-esteem, I didnt flattered myself to think you actually liked me, so I didnt think much of it. But the first time we held hands to show Melissa, I genuinely felt so happy.
As our friendship progressed, I enjoyed being with you...Online many years ago I read that your palms get sweaty when you like someone. So, When we would hold hands and our palms got sweaty. I was hoping it wasnt me and I was scared that it was just me. I was scared I liked you and you didnt. I didnt want to admit it because I was desperately trying to work things with Kiffer. But at this point I started to realize that I did have feelings for you, if even my body was demonstrating attraction towards you.
I didnt want to admit. I knew you didnt like me.
When we trolled Nelly and you told her you were picking me over her. Again, I knew you were trolling but when I would text you what she said, and you would go along with it. It would make me blush. The next time I saw you in person, I couldnt even look at you without blushing. I wanted you. I wanted it to be true.
When we went to the Rain Forest Cafe and I went to the bathroom and you texted me you liked me. I legit thought it was another troll of yours. You had done it with Nelly and now I figured you were bored and were doing it with me. I was intrigued,but I figured you found out I liked you and you wanted to see if I would admit it. Part of me wanted to admit it because it was true, but it was so complicated because I was with kiffer. I said, "I like you but I wont break up with Kiffer to date you." I thought you were just trolling me and saying that would put it to and end.
But you said you would have trouble picking between me and her. I guess that meant a lot to me. But I didnt want to show.
When you texted me asking if things would change between us because we confessed we liked each other. I didnt know what to say. I was scared you would start ignoring me because I felt like I had rejected you by saying I'll be staying with kiffer and in the past when I rejected people, thats where the friendship ended. I was hoping that ours wouldnt end. So I tried to brush it off and said it shouldn't.
Anyways, when I started doing weed with Jordan. I only did it to impress you. I know its silly, but I thought you were into getting high so I wanted to show you I could be chill too.
When we went to the Indian restaurant, I know I was ignoring you. I felt so awkward. I again, didnt want to admit I wanted you. So I was trying to hide behind my phone and hoping you wouldn't tell how much I liked you. When you tried to make conversation with me, my brain would freeze also I was high. I felt guilty because I was in a relationship with someone who I liked less and less and again, I wasnt so sure you actually liked me.
When we went to Green. I was starting to admit myself I liked you. But then in the car we had that conversation where we told each other we got over the other. It made me realize maybe I was wrong and I didn't actually liked you and maybe we were better friends. It made me feel like you had gotten over me, so I thought I should focus more on my relationship with Kiffer. But I felt upset that day.
When you got back with Jada, I felt really upset. But I wanted to be happy for you.
That time at school when I was having a good day and you said to tone down and you were trash talking kiffer. I was legit annoyed at you. I felt like, "Jonah, you dont want to be with me, so let me be happy with someone who does want to be with me." And then you told me you were just trolling about your feelings so me. I just didnt want to associate myself with you. I didnt lie, but you were telling I was just a joke to you.
I dont know if you noticed but after that I didnt want to be around you. I would try to not greet you or sit next to you. You even mentioned I was acting cold towards you. And it was because I was legit angry at you for playing with my emotions. Part of me thought maybe you were jealous of kiffer and thats why you said you were just trolling. But I didnt want to think about it because I just wanted to put my feelings for you in the past.
Eventually, I just accepted you didnt like me, so I was able to be okay with you again. I still liked flirting with you and you made me happy even if I knew you didnt like me.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Why did I break up with Kiffer?
The truth is, I met someone at Amex. I thought he was handsome. I liked talking to him. I realized that I had messed my chances with you, but there were so many different people out there.aaand Kiffer was also treating me bad. But after lossing my chance with you I didnt want to keep being stuck with someone who didnt make me happy.
I did cry in the bathroom that school night while on the phone with kiffer. But it was because I was so scared to let go of what is familiar.
I liked that you were there for me. Although I didnt think you liked me. I liked you.
That day I spoke to someone and the conversation is as follows:
"You like Jonah, right"
"Uh.. yes..."
"Does he like you?"
"Well, he has a gf..."
"So? If you like him, go for him. It really means nothing unless they are married."
So, I didnt think much of it. I mean, I liked you but I didnt thought I LIKED you. But I thought, why not?
So, next Wednesday, when I saw you I wanted to tell you that I liked you. And at this point my feeelings for you didnt mean much. But I was inspired by what this person told me. I did want you to be mine even if I knew I couldnt commit myself to you long term because I was unsure of my feelings for you. Thats when I asked you out on the date.
I did say, "well its not a real date unless you pay for me" and like right away you said no. I figured it was because you didnt like me that way. But I was okay just hanging out with you, because I like you. When we were having a good time at the arcade and you said, "want me to get more tokens and I'll pay so its a real date."
I was so nervous.... I wanted to say yes, but I wasnt sure where things were going. And I was still unsure if you were what I wanted. When we got ice cream, I was trying my best to accept I liked you. But you turned me down. So, I was so sad.
When we got to my house and I said, "its not a real date unless we kiss" I thought I had gone too far. I thought you would say no. But you didnt. When we kissed I was speechless. I think I asked you first if you liked it because I was scared you would say you regretted it. Then you asked me how it was for me. I didnt know what to say. I wasnt sure if I liked it because I wasn't sure if I truly liked you. When we kissed again I felt you put your hand on my hair and that scared me because thats something I consider "intimate" and I wasn't sure thats exactly what I wanted to have with you. Then i remember you said it was a good kiss and I was so unsure. Then you suggested we kiss again, but I freaked. I was so confused. But I thought, "hey this is happening why not" so then I was okay with kissing again.
Anyways, I didnt text you and part of me wanted to accept that didnt happen because well, I felt bad if you left Jada for someone who wasnt sure how they felt about you. Then you texted me. I was sad. I didnt know how to process it. I was still trying to figure out if I even liked you like I said I did.
A lot of the things I texted you after that were things my friend suggested I say, because I didnt know how I felt. Part of it was taking my feelings for you and exaggerating it, which we both thought was funny. Because we wanted a reaction from you.
Yes, I did say you were more effort than what youre worth. I guess, I felt like you dont even like me, so why spend time on someone who doesnt like me. It also made me feel like by saying this I was accepting I didnt care about you.
I know Ive been texting you weird things and youre probably like wtf. But, it was because I considered my feelings for you as a joke, so I wanted to entertain myself and see what reactions I got from you. Again, I didnt want to accept my feelings for you.
I was sending you song lyrics because I thought it was funny. But you caught on quickly and it was upsetting...
At the same time, I guess I was using that as a excuse to text you.
On Wednesday, when you didnt show up. I was so upset. I realized that maybe its not a joke and I truly liked you. I saw my therapist and we talked about it. And i take back saying I'll only be with you for 4 months, or that you are more effort than what your worth. She helped me realize that I genuinely like you. I have very strong feelings for you. I want to be with you.
I was more upset that you werent there that day then when Kiffer and I broke up and it was because I finally admited I like you.
I asked Mark if he thought you liked me and he said when we were in the rain forest cafe, that when he asked you if you liked me, you said you didnt know. So I'm confused as to why you would tell him that and then text me something else?
I feel upset that this is all a joke to you.
I had a dream last night and I dreamt we were cuddling and kissing and Its hard for me to admit this,but even my subconscious is telling me I like you.
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