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I have been having these thoughts for a while now. They’re like little ticks in the back of my brain. I have had the first thought since I was very little. I was told, by family, that they had also experienced it, and that it was a phase I would grow out of. It’s a constant fear that if I don’t do some small and pointless thing (such as open a door, kick a chair over, etc.) that something horrible will happen, and that, if I do, then something good may happen. It’s so stupid, but it has been effecting my life a lot recently.
At a very young age, I used to be teased by friends and feel upset, I would wish long and hard that they could see how much it effected me, so they’d stop. Since then, whenever I cry or am upset over someone, I look in the mirror, hoping that person can see how I feel.
Then the feeling developed. Now, whatever I am doing, I feel like I am being watched by those people. For instance, if I were showering, I’d feel self conscious and think “what if my whole class could see me now.” and become upset and worried. Because of that, I even go as far as to turn of lights when I’m awake, when showering. I close my eyes when I go to the bathroom in case others can see me. I feel as though they can see through me own eyes.
The third thought is that I am the only one existing, and that all of my surrounding staff are fabricated, and that every exists purely based around me.
All are hard to explain. There are more too. I wonder if anyone is like me. I really wonder.
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